Desparadise

Hunks

2010-07-12T14:04:00.011-05:00

I get axed this all the time "Rex, are all Hunks good guys? Are they all as wonderful as you and those other Hunks you paraglide into town with?"
Well yes, some Hunks' hearts are twice as big as their biceps: Rule #6.

Other Hunks are pure evil.

In general, Hunks are made of 60% incredibly good looks, 53% brain power, 79% mating/survival instincts. Which reminds me of Rule #2: Hunks Hate Math.
You’ll never spot a hunk at the beach filling out a sudoku. First off, any activities a Hunk partakes in at the beach will involve tossing an object to other hunks, flexing (talking) to babes, or drinking booze from an Minute Maid bottle.
Not that Hunks have a complete disregard for math or science. Hunks are well aware that these things exist and may even use these skills to diffuse a bomb or figure out how many more lap dances he can receive before he falls in love/goes broke.
If math or science becomes your number one skill then you cease to be a Hunk and are now a Nerd.

To a Hunk, friendship is very important. Hunks before Bros: Hunk Rule #4.
For example, if two Hunks were on an airplane and one got really sick and needed his insulin shot, his best Hunk friend would get off at every stop and try to find a syringe in a first aid kit at junkyards and other airports and keep getting back on the plane to check on his friend even though there are a bunch of murderers and rapists flying on the same plane trying to stop him from seeing his wife and daughter again. The Hunk might even ask for help by writing a letter on a dead convict's body and dropping it out of the airplane.

Rule #9: Hunks normally only masturbate on the way to OR driving away from a babe they just banged (or received a mouth job from).

Lots of hot teachers wonder what the best time period on Earth for Hunks was?
It's easily the Old West.

The most important reason being, it’s a great time for accessorizing.

Rule #7: A Hunk’s favorite accessory is a weapon, followed closely by a nice watch, and in a distant third, a babe by his side.
The old west was also great for buying whores and murdering. Two things Hunks today have a hard time doing, and in some cases have stopped altogether. Disappointing

The Hunk's all time most popular weapon is an AXE

or a Knife

OR a Gun!

Rule #5: Not all Hunks are still Hunks once they pop their shirts off. And some Hunks aren't buff at all to begin with.

Rule#37: Hunks don’t mind getting dirty if it means covering themselves in mud so an alien predator cant see where they are.

Rule# 14: No creature on earth relaxes better than a Hunk.
Rule# 15: Hunks don’t dance, they dry hump.
Rule# 16: A Hunk will dance, but be warned, you will be dry humped at some point.

"Is there a downside to Hunks?" axes an incredibly hot female* scientist. (*editors Note: they don’t exist)
Yes there is.
Rule #1: If two Hunks pop their shirts off at the same time, it will create a black hole, sucking in all other Hunks in the vicinity.

Very dangerous. This is why I stopped competing in beach volleyball tournaments, which was hard to do because of Rule#11: The only thing Hunks enjoy more than winning is causing someone else to lose.

Rule#99: Hunks hate rules.

Finish Him

2010-06-09T04:40:00.010-05:00

In 1995, a movie did the splits and punched the world in the dick. It was called Mortal Kombat. The only thing that could have made that movie better is if it were rated R and Sub Zero had frozen Sonja Blades clothes and shattered them off.
In this new version, they wisely went with a Hard R rating and unwisely, a dirtier, milf-ier Sonja Blade. This might be the longest trailer ever but it features Micheal Jai White, who plays Detective Blackson or something. He was fucking amazing in Black Dynomite Better yet...rent that instead of watching this trailer. Just meet me at the midnight showing of the new Mortal Kombat.

Release the Kraphton

2010-06-08T15:39:00.003-05:00

"Iron Man was totally unbelievable and ahhh man the Dark Knight was gay, I mean it was totally gay."
"You're fucking with me, you must be kidding?"
"Nah, I'm serious I mean whats with Joker's face? And that bike's so Ga-"
Leaping into the air, I land a powerful kick to Kraphton's head, shattering his jaw and sending bone fragments slicing through his brain like a hot chick through Jello.

Oh hey, Demons. I didn’t see you standing over there. I was just reading out loud an excerpt from my Journal. Yeah, the above is an actual conversation I've had with a person at work who has accidentaly become a ‘work friend.’
His name is Matthew Kraphton. What makes this life long N.W.O. member so unique? He has the absolute worst WORST taste. Literally every movie or TV show talked about he dislikes and can point out something that’s, in his opinion, superior.

Examples:

BloodRayne > Iron Man

Tyler Perry’s House of Brown > Sopranos

White Chicks > Anchorman

Bones > 24

Having a discussion with this dude is like arguing with a drunk 7th grader, and I get into enough of those shooting hoops at the park on Fridays.
I’m late for work.

Oh there you are

2010-06-08T14:48:00.005-05:00

Hello Demons.
To answer your question, NO, Desparadise is not dead.
It just had a very serious Day Drinking problem that lead to a high risk Gambling Problem which resulted in a tiny little miniature Arson Problem but who's going to miss a few abandoned grain silos?
All these awesome problems were triggered by the intense rage Desparadise felt for having paid cash money to see Cop Out in theaters. Luckily, Beer Monsterz and massive smoke inhalation have erased these horrible memories and now it's time to get back down to bizness. After all, Steamboat Dayz is just around the corner. And that’s not going to make fun of itself, now is it?

Bill Paxton's Demons

2010-04-23T20:18:00.004-05:00

That's usually the name we go by at pub team trivia. We love all of Bill Paxton's work, especially Frailty. It truly is a masterpiece (no, it's not) and he is a master of his craft (no, he's not). Ummm, yeah. Anyway, it's either that name or something neato like Meth Den or Deer Pussy, depending on who we play with. So, here is a blog to check out if any other nerds like to get drunk and pretend like they are smart on weeknights around this fine city. Chicago truly does heart trivia as the website says. They have games fucking everywhere. Other than the rundown of when and where you can play, I personally like the team name tab on this website. People are actually pretty clever.

And in case you didn't know, demons are everywhere.

Tap Tap Taparoo

2010-04-23T20:09:00.006-05:00

This is just a warning to anyone out there with an iPhone. I've already started the first step of my 12 step recovery...I have acknowledged that I have a problem. I will say it slowly to you. Do...Not...Download...Tap Tap Revenge 3. It will take over your life. You will sneak away at work with your earbuds to play it in the bathroom on the toilet. Next thing you know, it's like a half hour later and you have to play it off like you had explosive diarrhea (because, let's face it, that is actually less embarrassing). That only really works like two days in a row and then they think you might need to go to the hospital. Thanks a lot, d...

Ain't That Some Shit

2010-04-18T21:44:00.003-05:00

Have you ever entered a stall to pinch a loaf, drop a deuce, lay down a grumpy, build a mud castle, grow a tail, drop a bomb, have a dirty birth, park your breakfast or unload dinner, just to find out that you have chosen the wrong stall? The worst part is that you are "already committed" so you must continue to stare at the last jackasses initials scripted on the wall with shit, or stare down at a pube nest. The worst though is the fact that you also sat next to the dude that is taking a shit that smells like a "grandpa dump". You know what I'm talking about. Remember when you were visiting G'ma and G'pa and Gramps would grab the Sunday Funnies and proceed to the shitter for about an hour. That house would smell of a mix of Old Spice and egg salad for hours. Well, I seem find myself "already committed" all too often.

Shawtayeee

2010-04-18T21:38:00.002-05:00

Auto Tune the News

Is there a gun to my head???

2010-04-13T12:55:00.007-05:00

This weekend in Chicago on Sunday during a marathon corpse'ing session, a classic film was RE-discovered...one we couldnt pull our eyes away from. This clip shows that in a gang fight you have to use all 5 senses and as many dick kicks as possible.
Skip to 00:50 if you wanna get right to the dick kicks, but if you do that, you'll miss the chemistry between Tom Arnold and Seagal. It's as electric as a 25,000 volt stun gun on a bare chested cop.

Tied for the 3rd best character in Exit Wounds is Mac, who walks in off the set from another cop movie to deliver some much needed witty justice to MacGyvers best friend.

WARNING: Searching through Steven Seagal clips is a dangerous game. If you're not careful you'll miss work, forget to eat, and could suffer a stroke of baddassery if you watch to many.

This last one is my favorite.

2ornado Alley: Wind Burner

2010-04-05T14:16:00.006-05:00

This "making one of my dreams come true" news Bulletins just came across my desk.
Basically, this article states Bill Paxton is trying/wants to make a Twister sequel. When they DO make it, I hope it opens with a twister ripping Helen Hunt's body in half, and Bill Paxton hopping into a tractor to chase after the fading tornado with a shot of Helen Hunt's corpse spinning as he vows revenge against all weather.

I would have posted this sooner, but it was released during winter and I was balls deep in some serious seasonal depression. But killing an entire flock of Peeps during a 70 degree Easter is just what the doctor ordered to rid oneself of seasonal depression.

Please Forward to A.J. Smith

2010-03-16T14:19:00.004-05:00

This blogger is asking for help. I found a perfect coaching position for my old JV basketball coach, A.J. Smith, but do not have his current email. I have posted the link below. Could someone please forward this to him? He needs to get his resume in as soon as possible...I believe Rex still has four years of college eligibility left...as well as a jump shot that could turn around any program. Thanks.

Head Basketball Coach

Why Y'all Hate Sea World So Much?

2010-02-26T16:42:00.005-06:00

Bears #1 wide receiver (salary-wise) and overall brainiac Devin Hester tweeted yesterday that he was taking his family to Disney World this weekend and was wondering if anybody could give him suggestions on where else to go in Orlando. When people responded with what would have any been any normal smart ass's first response...Devin got confused.

Devin Hester apparently doesn't watch CNN

Snowboard Cross

2010-02-20T01:31:00.015-06:00

So, as I was enjoying a Filet-O-Fish today (ewww, grody), my impeccable peepers spotted a snowboarder on my McDonald's bag. I wondered to myself, "Could that be Graham Watanabe?" Yep, sure as hell is. Well, I also thought to myself, he is a big fan of the Cobra Skulls (who I wrote about almost a year ago on here). And sure as shit, there's his Cobra Skulls sticker on the top of his helmet. Pretty cool. Check out his website (click on "What else is Graham into?") because he is also a fan of Lululemon (ladies!). Your asses look great in that shit. Just sayin'.

Eat a cock, Ted Haggard.

Yes NBC sucks so bad...

2010-02-20T01:19:00.004-06:00

...that since they wouldn't show the fucking US/Norway hockey game on Thursday on anything other than cable (USA), I had to take a late lunch and walk down to Wabash/Madison and watch the first period at Tilted Kilt. It was rough, let me tell you. Sorry Rex, but every black chick in that picture was working that day. We can go on "Black Thursday" next time you're in town.

NBC Olympic Coverage Blows

2010-02-18T07:03:00.003-06:00

From the first time I heard rumors that meaningful US Olympic hockey games that could be run live during prime time weeknight hours would be preempted for tape-delayed (sometimes as long as 18 hours) speed skating, snowboarding, figure skating, and cross country skiing...I knew the next two weeks were going to be a clinic in how to suck as a tv network. Deadspin put together a collection of the best emails they have gotten complaining about NBC's coverage. They tell the story much better than I could.

NBC Olympic Coverage Blows

Oh hello...long time no see

2010-02-17T21:33:00.004-06:00

Well, well, well...if it isn't my old arch enemy Desparadise. Haha, I'm just kidding dude. You aren't my arch enemy. More like the guy I love to be nice to when I see them and then talk shit about when they're not around. So how have you been? Haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, I know, I haven't called. I really do feel bad. I don't really know why. Its hard to explain. I have been pretty busy lately...you know, the Olympics are going on so I am spending a lot of late nights watching women's curling or men's ice dancing rather than idly pounding the keys and posting garbage online...that is, until now.

I just have a few things I need to get off my chest. First, I saw The Informant this weekend. It blows. I was expecting some superb Matt Damon acting (is there any other kind?) and some serious dry humor with some random Joel McHale sightings thrown in but instead I get some agricultural price fixing mumbo jumbo that I could care less about and absolutely no memorable one-liners. It's never a good sign when you ask "is this movie almost over?" and the person you are with answers "its only been twenty minutes."

I also saw An Education as well...it was ok. Unfortunately, no boobies...which is what I always expect from all arty European films but it also wasn't subtitled, which is a major plus. However, with the dirty British accents present throughout the movie, I only understood about four lines in the whole thing. That might have contributed to my displeasure. Maybe I will try to watch it again...oh wait...no boobies....ahh nevermind.

Also, did you hear a luger died at the Olympics? The rest of the lugers were so upset that they demanded immediate action so the International Olympic Committee shortened the track by nearly three football fields to reduce the top speed the sledders will reach. The other competitors were so grateful they complained about how slow the track was now that the change was made. Thanks for your help guys.

A New Addiction

2010-01-24T22:40:00.001-06:00

Website of the week. Laughing out loud is something that I do when I read this.

http://dontevenreply.com/

working title

2010-01-22T16:51:00.004-06:00

I've been really busy trying to save several megaGigs of data from my old laptop that it somehow became infected with a super computer virus after I tried to see if some lost cellphone video perchance made it onto a specific website... Verdict: Maybe
Other than that, I just finished storyboarding my AVATARD porn paraody, working title: AVATARD 3D
Finally, I've been watching RedBand Trailers, and this one right here has just passed Iron Man 2 as my most anticipated movie to see...honorable mention is the Macgruber trailer Here. ONLY because it features my main man Doc Holiday as the villian named Deiter Von Cunth

Mraz Schmaz

2010-01-15T01:29:00.005-06:00

Hey, Asian Jason Mraz kid! Eat your fucking heart out. You just got owned.

****Here is the link. They blocked the video.

Best of the List

2009-12-30T03:00:00.003-06:00

Best of 2011 List of the Top 1000 Greatest Things That Happened While We Were a Bakers Decade Deep in the New MILLENNIUM *thunderclap*

1.)The SuperFlu and its memorable symptomz: Lizard Sneeze, Mountain Cough, and Faucet Rectum.
Man, if you contracted it, you crapped your kidneys out your eyes and oh boy oh boy did a lot of people die from it. On the upside, the nations unemployment dropped to plus 4%. By the end of 2011 you couldn’t NOT have a job. Of course, 92% of all new jobs were in the corpse removal/weatherization field.
4.)The 3rd Batman Movie
The villain Two-Face is NOT Dead! The new BatAssault Copter! Catwoman’s Full Frontal! And all in 3D!
16.)Cellphone Implants
I mean who didn’t save up 1600 dollars and get a sweet Samsung handphone imbedded in their palm? OR pony up 3000 dollars for the sweet MolarSmartPhone IN your mouth!?!? Sure they caused throat tumors and made your breath smell like rust(y trombones), but they really opened up a lot valuable pocket space…for condoms...which brings me to a the next item...
73.)AIDS CURE
Yep, thanks to SuperFlu, everyone with AIDS weakened immune systemz died and then everyone fucked to celebrate (leaving the condoms in their pockets). Now you can’t brush past a girl in a bar without getting herpesyphilis. Because of you, SuperFLU, dry humping is now considered 3rd Base.
88.)Dr. Dre’s DETOX album finally came out!
My personal favorite tracks being ‘401-AK’ ‘ChronicBackPain’ and ‘Pussy is as Pussy Does feat. Dat Nigga Daz’

Griswold ain't got shit on this.

2009-12-25T20:45:00.002-06:00

What about this one Steely? 80's New Wave?? Done and done!

Maybe someday

2009-12-24T14:54:00.003-06:00

Maybe its just me, but shit like this gives me goose bumps.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-21T23:37:00.000-06:00

A little late for Thanksgiving, but I wanted to honor Steely with this gem.

Your face is shit green

2009-12-21T19:44:00.009-06:00

There is something about me that you may not know, I faint easily. It may be passing out, but I will call it fainting. What is the difference anyway? It's not that I faint on a monthly basis, or even a yearly basis, but I faint easily nonetheless. I faint after I donate blood. I faint when watching loved ones get shots. I nearly fainted when getting blood labs taken after the nurse said "I think I blew your vein". I thought to myself "that can't be good" and the nurse said "are you doing alright" I thought to myself "uh, no bitch you just blew my vein and I don't know what that means but it ain't good" and she said "your face is turning green" and I thought "am I entering a tunnel because i see black creeping in from all sides" and she said "did you need some water" and then I finally said "can I get an ice pack?" and all was good. I did not faint and I guess blowing a vein is not that bad, it just bruises a tad.

This fainting thing runs in my family. When my mother was checking my sisters temp rectally for the first time, she fainted while putting the thermometer in. Pretty dangerous yes, but she couldn't handle knowing that this was going to be a tad painful for her child. It gets worse. After I took a slight fall in college, I called my mother. While on the phone with her asking if I should take a $500 dollar (around the block) ambulance ride, I was suddenly transferred over to my step father. I asked him, where is mom? He said, uh Steely, she fainted. What the hell is it with us and our fainting? Can I not deal with pain? No, I can deal with my own pain very well. In fact, I do not dread the dentist as many do. I commonly fall asleep in the chair while being drilled. The reason I faint while giving blood is due to a drop in blood pressure or maybe because I don't eat before. It certainly is not the pain, I promise. Overall, the biggest thing that has always caused me to faint or nearly faint is seeing the ones I love in pain. Just talking about their physical pain makes me light headed.

This whole thing is pretty embarrassing at times. Not only have a room full of classmates witnessed me faint. They got the opportunity to see me fall out of my desk, hit my head on another desk on my way down, and twitch on the floor once landed. But nothing is worse than when you tag along with your spouse to the emergency room and you ask for an icepack. Once the icepack is requested, the nurses response is always the same "hows come?". My response too is the same "ummm I am not real good at this stuff". So when the nurse returns, I expect an icepack in her hand because that's reasonable, right? Welllllllllll, I got more than an icepack. I got a bed of my own. I said "I just need an icepack, all I have to do is put it on the back of my neck and I am good as new". Her response is "well we cannot have you passing out so we will have you lay back for a bit". I obey and lay back for a minute (all while being by my spouses side as the strong willed husband laying on a bed with an icepack while you are dealing with kidney stones). As the nurses finish up their chuckling, the Dr. comes in. At this point I am no longer laying on the bed and the the icepack is on my lap. The Dr. looks at me and says "sports injury?" as my balls hide in shame, I respond "no I am just not really good at this stuff".

Now you may be thinking the obvious and trust me it has been said many times by those laughing nurses as they turn to my wife and say "ohh honey, what are you gonna do with him during childbirth?" So now, this question is going to find an answer here pretty quickly. Like within 3 weeks quickly. Problem? Maybe or maybe not. I know that I have ways of stopping the onset of hitting the floor, but I have never witnessed a loved one being in this much pain before. I think I will be so caught up in the moment and I think my wife will NOT allow me to faint, but it is still a fear. The hospital has proclaimed that "we have never lost a dad before" to which I respond "well, you have never had me as a dad before either" to which they respond "ha, I bet you will be fine" and I respond "what's the spread?" Ha.

Second only to those Geico ones.

2009-12-21T19:31:00.002-06:00

Now I have seen a better run of emails in my life, but this is superb. Thanks to Steve for finding these and posting to his blog.

Who threw the tomato at Jesus?

2009-12-12T04:16:00.002-06:00

November

2009-12-12T04:07:00.005-06:00

I've fallen a bit behind on my personal favorite part of Desparadise, Wife of the Week, so here are a few highlights over the past months.

Wife of the week Cassie
She fits the top 3 requirements of my top 100 requirements for a Bride, those being:
1.) Ungodly hot
2.) Blasian
3.) Sleeps, cleans, jogs, and reads in the nude.

Wife of the week Oliva Munn

She is the co-host of some show about video games on the G4 channel. And, no, she doesn’t make it as the wife of the week because she's smoking hot and plays video games. It's because she’s smoking hot and gets turned on when she watches ME play video games. Nobody wants to play video games with women.

Wife of the week Ivana Trump
Would you marry someone for their money? Yes, but ONLY if they looked like Ivana. It’s a good thing she's insanely rich because it costs 100s of thousands of dollars just to contain those wonderfully enormous breastz. As you can see they are constantly fighting to be free. Her extreme wealth also comes in handy when I need to do a little maintenance on the Drop Top Helicopter I bought from a Danish time traveler I met at one of her mega exclusive parties that she holds on the roof of the Trump Plaza.

Next Year I'm going as Tiger Woods

2009-12-12T04:05:00.007-06:00

If Desparadise is one thing, it's timely. And that’s exactly why I’m posting my Halloween Boooooolog.
I know, that scared me too..
Halloween is the time of year that people like to mention that girls love to dress up like sluts.
And to that I say Sssshhhh.
Shut the hell up. That cat over there with the exposed titties will hear you and cover up. Why do have to ruin everything!?!
The plan was for myself and two other gentlemen to go as the Beastie Boys in the Sabotage video. I got a little bit of a late start heading out for the evening. I had a hell of time gluing on my fake mustache. I ended up using expertly sliced pieces of duct tape.
I made great time on the drive to Iowa City by waving my plastic gun out the window of my truck. Everyone pulled over quickly and I was able to drive right down the center line just like I like.
The house party sucked. I think there was one tall boy that everyone was sharing and only 3 females, all of whom were dressed as girls from Rock Of Love. So I thought I would impress them by spraying the last of the tall boys all over one of them and I then pushed another down some stairs and asked the last one if she’d Rock my world. I asked her this using sign language. i.e. I pulled out my weiner and tapped her on the shoulder with it. Word to Snoop Dogg.
We had to leave the party pretty fast after that. Seeing how the third member of our Sabatoge Crew hadn’t shown up yet, we told him to meet us at the bar, where he did, dressed as a fighter pilot, which was for the best. It kept the three of us from launching into an a cappella performance of Sabatoge which would of certainly eliminated all chances of meeting any nice ladies in cat ears. We went ahead and eliminated those chances ourselves by attempting to slide across the hood of car parked in front of the bar. But instead of sliding smoothly across I bounced once and tripped on the curb. The owner of the car was smoking outside and watched this happen and she yelled,
‘Nice going asshole!’
‘Miss’ I said ‘I’m going to have to issue you a fix it ticket for your hood, its not safe’

Passenger 58

2009-12-12T02:47:00.003-06:00

I wish this was really a trailer for the sequel to one the greatest movies I ever watched in Jr. High, PASSENGER 57

This movie, however, looks like it could be the feel good movie of the spring!

Haha

2009-12-10T21:06:00.001-06:00

Asian children, once better at math and science, now better at everything.

College Football Playoff System

2009-12-08T10:05:00.004-06:00

By far the smartest, most well-thought-out, extensively researched article I have ever read on a College Football Playoff System. Thanks Mr. Wetzel!

Money Talks

Woods Now Laying Ten

2009-12-08T07:10:00.003-06:00

As someone who has admired Tiger Woods for over a decade, it is hard for me to separate the person I see winning so many golf tournaments and the person he actually is when the cameras are turned off and he goes home and is simply Eldrick. I have realized something the past few weeks as more and more stories have come out and more and more hosebags have come forward to dish their sordid details of various encounters with Woods...he is human, and not a very nice one. Behind the corporate image of the Tiger we see in commercials or wearing his patented Sunday red is a man who grew up as just another run-of-the-mill geek that is infinitely more insecure than all of the people contributing to this blog, combined.

The proof is in the pudding: Tiger Woods Affair Hits Home

For those of you who are too lazy to read the whole article, here are the best two paragraphs:

"They both began their lives as geeks. My brother was the fat kid in corduroy overalls; Woods was Eldrick then, skinny and gangly and topped with a straw boater. My brother was good at math and science, anything to do with logic; Woods was clinical at golf — second behind only poker, really, in the spectrum of dork sports. Then, they both blossomed, my brother and Woods. They both started working out, and they both enjoyed a belated, extended period of "young man living." Then they both did what they were supposed to do. My brother got a good job, married a beautiful wife, had two beautiful children, and bought a big, beautiful house with a pool in the suburbs; Woods got a good job, too, married a beautiful wife, had two beautiful children, and bought a big, beautiful house with a pool in the suburbs. "

"But it was all a façade, for both of them — not because they both pretended to stop being hounds, but because neither man was able to shed his tender geek heart. I don't think my brother or Woods ever managed to get over the idea women wanted to sleep with them. Despite their successes, despite the outward perfection of their lives, both of them still harbor a deep-seated, childhood insecurity that's only been made worse by middle-age vulnerability, by knee surgeries and receding hairlines. My brother and Woods both had affairs because they were looking for a validation that only sex with strangers gave them. That Woods's preference in road beef is, at best, medium-rare, just goes to show: In his mind, every time he made a new conquest, it was like the president of the chess club rocking the big-tittied cheerleader under the bleachers. Every hookup was another chance for him to prove to himself that he wasn't what he remembered he once was."

"If you build it, he will cum"

2009-12-05T02:28:00.004-06:00

Iowa is pretty cool sometimes.

Hey, free movie!

2009-12-05T02:18:00.003-06:00

Does anyone else get all excited when they get to pass a charter bus at night just to try and figure out what movie they are all watching? And then kind of hang out there in the left lane for a bit to watch a scene or two, all the while swerving dangerously all over the highway? Just wondering.

Hey big boy

2009-11-19T20:11:00.003-06:00

Hey Rex. Hey big boy. Wanna get nasty??

Yeah?

That's what I thought.

Ricky Stanzi's Pink Bracelet

2009-11-06T13:27:00.007-06:00

In case any of you were wondering why Ricky Stanzi wears that pink bracelet, I thought this story might shed some light on it. Kirk Ferentz's character and attitude really rubs off on his players and it's stories like this that make me proud to be an Iowa fan...whether they are 9-0 or 0-9.

The power of Princess Jenna
Press Citizen, September 28, 2009

Beating the odds. Beating cancer.

Jenna Waters has a spirit that even cancer can't diminish.

She rarely complains about the hospital stays, except when she is awakened every 30 minutes by nurses taking her vital signs. She doesn't complain about how chemotherapy drugs make her throw up, except when it happens on her yellow blankie, which she needs to go to sleep. She doesn't complain about the incision in her belly or the tube coming out of her chest. Or about the awful-tasting medicines she has to take three times every day. Or about how sometimes she has to go several days without seeing her older brother or twin sister. Most of the time, she's a happy, bubbly 4-year-old.

She has an infectious smile and big brown eyes that sparkle even when you might think they shouldn't. She loves camping, Hawkeye quarterback Ricky Stanzi and the color pink. Her favorite snack is Ritz crackers with cheese squirted from a can. Sometimes, she thinks she's a princess. There are worms in a pile of dirt by the driveway, she says, and she's not afraid to touch them. She's not afraid of Embraynol Hepatoblastoma, either. That's the rare form of liver cancer that started growing inside her tiny body soon after she was born. By the time it was discovered and diagnosed in January, the cancer had spread to her lungs and her stomach. Doctors told Jenna's parents, Jared and Christina Waters, it was Stage IV -- the most severe and aggressive -- and that they should prepare to help Jenna fight for her life.

"I'm going to kick cancer's butt," Jenna says with confidence from her hospital bed while receiving chemotherapy in early July. Then a quiet giggle, and a smile. "I wish I had a gun to shoot cancer so it can be done forever," she says. Isn't that the truth. Embryonal Hepatoblastoma is a rare form of cancer, usually occurring in infants. It has an incidence of 0.9 per 1 million children, and most patients are diagnosed by age 2, according to statistics from St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. In patients whose cancer is isolated to the liver, a surgical resection usually cures the disease and the survival rate is near 100 percent.
a rare form of cancer, usually occurring in infants. It has an incidence of 0.9 per 1 million children, and most patients are diagnosed by age 2, according to statistics from St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. In patients whose cancer is isolated to the liver, a surgical resection usually cures the disease and the survival rate is near 100 percent.

However, in Jenna's case, the cancer had metastasized to her lungs and stomach by the time it was diagnosed, making her treatment much more complicated. Dr. Rolla Abu-Ajra, one of the doctors treating Jenna at the University of Iowa Children's Hospital, said Hepatoblastoma can occur at any age, but most often occurs in younger children such as Jenna. "It's the most common liver cancer in children, but in general it's rare," Abu-Ajra, who's worked at the hospital for five years, said. "So far since I've been here we've had four cases that I've seen personally." UI Children's Hospital treated 148 pediatric cancer patients in 2008, according to hospital statistics. That number accounts for 2.5 percent of all pediatric admissions at UI Children's Hospital during the same period. In June, surgeons at UI attempted to resect Jenna's liver, an operation that would have removed the cancerous part of her liver and was her best shot at being cured. However, after beginning the surgery, doctors found resection was not possible because of a clot in the primary vein attached to her liver.

Now, a transplant -- once considered the last resort in her treatment -- is one of two options left that provides any hope for long-term survival. Even with a transplant, statistics prove Jenna's prognosis isn't as bright as anyone who knows her hopes for. "With the liver transplant, overall five-year survival is as high as 70 percent in some cases. But I think it's slightly less than that" for Jenna, Abu-Ajra said. The nine rounds of chemotherapy have done their job, and the tumors on Jenna's lungs and stomach have disappeared. She's jumping-up-and-down excited by the news that she can finally "get the yuckies" out of her body.

On Wednesday, Jenna was placed on the national transplant waiting list. The surgery will be performed at the Lied Transplant Center at the Nebraska Medical Network in Omaha, Neb. Doctors again plan to attempt resection first because it is the best option for long-term survival with the fewest side effects. However, this time the donor liver will be ready to go if resection proves impossible. Jared and Christina now anxiously await a phone call telling them that their daughter's future is resting on ice in Omaha.

On Dec. 12, 2008, Jenna complained of a horrible pain in the right side of her abdomen. She was in so much pain, Christina remembers, that at times she wouldn't even stand up. They went to the doctor in Washington, just a few miles from their home in Ainsworth, and were told Jenna had a urinary tract infection and was given antibiotics. A week later, they returned to the doctor because Jenna still wasn't feeling much better. They forged through Christmas and the twins' birthdays in early January, all the while Jenna was not feeling her usual energetic and rambunctious self. She had lost some weight and had dark circles under her eyes. Something was not right, which was highly unusual for Jenna, who hadn't had a reason to go to the doctor since her 3-year-old check up. Christina decided to make an appointment with Jenna and Katelyn's pediatrician in Iowa City for their 4-year-old well-child check up and to hopefully get to the bottom of what was causing Jenna so much discomfort.

On Jan. 16, a bitterly cold day, she bundled up the girls and headed to Iowa City. After feeling Jenna's abdomen, the doctor said her liver was enlarged and that likely was the reason for her complaints. Jenna was sent to Mercy Iowa City for blood work and an ultrasound of her belly. "I remember saying, 'This wasn't how my day was supposed to go,'" Christina said. Most of what Christina remembers from the rest of the day is sort of a blur, cast with an amount of surrealism that can only be described as living every parent's worst nightmare.

"Just shock," Jared said of that day. "It didn't even hit me until after they did the tests and (Christina) called and she's crying. I didn't even put it into a thought to even worry about the tests she's having done. So that was scary." Driving west on the Coralville Strip with Jenna in the back seat, Christina's phone rang shortly after noon. She remembers listening to what the doctor was telling her, and following the instructions. Pull off the road. But why? Is Jared with you? No, just me and Jenna. I really wish Jared was there with you. Why are you saying that? You need to go to University of Iowa hospital right away. Jenna needs more tests today.
Why? What is wrong? They found a tumor on Jenna's liver, and it's quite large. Her blood work is leaning toward something very abnormal. What does this mean? Do I have time to go home first? We need to go home first.

Christina hung up and called Jared. He would meet her at home. Together they would drive back to Iowa City and begin a long and difficult journey -- one to save their daughter's life.

When Jenna wants something, she'll ask for it. When she's hungry, she demands to eat. When she wants to be left alone, she'll tell you so. When she doesn't want doctors or nurses to touch her, she minces no words. "Get out of my room." "Don't touch my tummy." When they don't listen like she wants them to, sometimes she kicks. And screams -- pretty much opposite the way she came into this world.

Jenna and Katelyn are fraternal twins, born Jan. 8, 2005 -- Jenna three minutes older than her sister. "When she was born, she came out with fists clenched. Stiff, flexing her entire body," Jared said. "She didn't shut her eyes for six hours. She just laid there looking around." Jenna's spitfire attitude is cute at times, but only to a certain point, her dad said. And though sometimes he said her mouth needs "a filter," he thinks her spunk has helped her face cancer head-on.

Take, for example, a sunny day in July when Jenna was holed up in her hospital room for more chemotherapy. Just hours before the bouts of vomiting would begin, she sat in her bed wearing fancy pajamas with cherries on them and put together the same puzzle she'd already worked dozens of times. Rather than singing nursery rhymes as other toddlers might, she started singing a Top 40 pop song from 2002 by the rapper Nelly and moving her body to the beat playing in her head. "It's gettin' hot in here. ... So take off all your clothes." That, is quintessential Jenna.

Her sunny outlook on life has motivated her parents to, at times, change their perspective. "I thought the day she was diagnosed was the end of the world. Obviously, it was the worst day of my life to date," Christina said. "But I look at her, and I listen to her and I'm around her and she has such a positive spirit. She doesn't act sick. She doesn't cry for herself. She doesn't mope around the house, so what gives me the right to feel sorry for myself? I'm not the one who has cancer. The one thing I can do is be happy, and hopefully she can gather the strength and courage and faith from me." It's that same spirit that has been an inspiration to so many people who've met Jenna in the past eight months, including members of the Hawkeye football team who seem to have taken a special shine to this little girl.

A group of players -- Dan Wolfe, Ricky Stanzi, Brett Morse, A.J. Edds, Tony Moeaki and Jeff Tarpinian -- first visited Jenna in the hospital in April. Jared and Christina say they thought it would be a one-time deal; they were just visiting sick kids in the hospital. "They didn't know what they were coming into. They come in and they meet her and then they kind of enjoyed themselves," Jared said. "After that they wanted to come see her again. They made that decision themselves." Stanzi is Jenna's favorite, her first crush.

The Hawkeyes' starting quarterback has pursued a relationship with Jenna's family and spends time with them as often as he can. His parents sent Jenna gifts, including a pink and white outfit, which Jenna wears proudly and blushes when she tells people who gave it to her. He wears his pink "Pray For Princess Jenna" bracelet on and off the field, also something Jenna is quite proud of. "It's tremendous to see people like that," Stanzi said. "I love being around them, and I love Jenna." Special things such as having Stanzi autograph her foot and getting a tour of Kinnick Stadium and the pink visitor's locker room, help keep Jenna focused on her job -- "kicking cancer's butt."

Sometimes the honesty of a child can nearly bring a parent to their knees. Like when Jenna says the reason she has cancer is because she must have been a bad girl. Or when Katelyn says she wishes she could trade places with Jenna because her sister always gets gifts from people. Or when Bryce tells his sisters, dressed alike for their first day of preschool, that they don't even look like twins because Jenna doesn't have any hair. Jenna's illness, Jared and Christina say, has been the hardest on her siblings. Bryce, a bright second-grader at Highland Elementary School with a close network of friends, prefers order in his world. Weeks of chemotherapy, surgery and hospital stays have him accustomed to asking every day before he leaves for school who will pick him up or at whose house he will be staying. He is compassionate and protective of his sister. He understands Jenna is very sick, and that he needs to help her and support her so she can focus on fighting cancer.

Still, he's just a kid. Sometimes he gets jealous of the attention Jenna gets from his parents and from others. And that can be tough to understand. Katelyn was blessed with Jenna's same attitude and spirit, though her parents describe her as the wild child, more nurturing and more mature. "She's wild, ... and I think she's the most loving little girl," Jared said. "She's got more emotions than Jenna does, and she's so compassionate. But at the same time, she'll get done giving you a hug and turn around and spin three times and run into the wall."

Before Jenna got sick, the girls had never spent time apart. The days, and sometimes weeks, of separation have been difficult for this little girl with long brown hair and a mischievous smile. "I'm so sad about Jenna when she is at the hospital," Katelyn said. "She almost kicked cancer's butt. She just has to get one more surgery. Then no more cancer." Christina said she is concerned about Katelyn and how the separation from her family has affected her. When Jared and Christina need to be at the hospital with Jenna, Katelyn is cared for by family members -- grandparents and uncles -- or goes to daycare, something she had never done before and especially not without Jenna.

"I search and search and search for something I can do for her. Katelyn's just a normal 4 year old who's gotten lost in the shuffle of things," Christina said. "She acts out more and is very whiney. I can't figure out how to get her out of that. That's one thing I'm so struggling with. I have failed her as a 4 year old." Bryce and Katelyn also have had to adapt to the way they do simple things, such as play with Jenna. They have to be careful of the port coming out of her chest. They know that Jenna can't run as fast as they can because the chemotherapy drugs have caused the tendons in her legs and feet to tighten.

By all accounts, the entire Waters clan is much different than it was last September. Some days revolve around Jenna getting her blood drawn or taking her meds. Their dialogue includes AFP levels, ports, Zofran, CT scans, WBC, Carboplatin, 5-FU, transfusions and a laundry list of other medications and procedures they knew nothing about just one year ago. They've spent countless hours playing Candyland, solving puzzles and simply waiting for time to pass at the hospital. Weeks are spent managing chemotherapy, making sure Bryce gets to school, and Katelyn gets to dance class.

It's a challenge, to be sure, but one Jared and Christina have managed because of their ability to each be self-sufficient and to help each other through difficult days. Christina is more of a worrier, Jared more of a realist. Together they create a good balance in a family faced with often unstable circumstances. "I would say that Jenna sets the mood and there's no way around it," Jared said. "When things go according to plan, it's good. If they don't, then we're both a little testy with each other. That's something we have no control over." That, and cancer.

What do you tell your daughter when she asks why she has to have cancer? What do you say when she asks whether she's going to have to go live in heaven like her friend from the hospital? What do you do when the last resort becomes your only option for saving your daughter's life? You keep the gas tank full and the cell phones charged. You wait for the call that says Jenna's new liver is ready.

UPDATE:
....and on October 1st, 2009, Jenna and her family got the call from Omaha that there was a liver there waiting for her. Since then, Jenna has had a successful transplant and was released to go back home over this past weekend to be with her twin sister and older brother once again.

Gulf News?

2009-11-03T01:01:00.004-06:00

I think I will use this as my only news source from now on. Jesus Honky Christ.

"According to Sharia, a husband is counselled to adopt a civilised and productive method and to be responsible and patient before divorcing.

'We call that ... the gradual edifying reconciliation method … whenever a husband notices a bizarre behaviour from his wife, he can advise her, then avoid sleeping with her in one room and if that doesn't work out then he can whip her gently in a manner that makes her understand the situation.'"

Thank you to Steve for living there and pointing out this amazing article.

Works Every Time

2009-10-28T14:41:00.005-05:00

I get axed all the time...
‘Hey Rex, nice hair, what brand of Cigarillo is that?’
‘Come closer and I’ll tell you’
‘Well?’
‘Clooser’
‘Uh huh?’
“Cloooser’
“ You smell nice, what is i-‘
“POOOWF this kind!’

If you want to purchase this brand I have loads of them for sale in the back seat of my Yukon.

Off the reservation

2009-10-28T14:30:00.004-05:00

Matt Damon returns as Jason Bourne disguised as whoever this guy is. He's searching for a Dragon. I think. Damon could of taken a few tips from the Expendables and jumped away from a few more explosions, but instead he just shot a helicopter out of the air with a bazooka, lazy ass. I'm pretty sure Stallone would of ran across a few rooftops then just jumped up and punched the rotator blades clean off.

Free Shit

2009-10-26T20:35:00.003-05:00

Anyone who's been a little too drunk and not quite acting their age at a wedding recently, or just in general, might like this one (read: Everyone).

Your Hairdresser

2009-10-18T17:00:00.005-05:00

The only thing I enjoy watching more than a Brockway Fight or the 4th quarter of a close football game is an action movie. This one has Stallone vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Lots of explosions and when the heroes aren't breathing they're speaking in clever(?) one liners. Good thing Oscar increased the Best Picture Nommineez to ten films because this one will occupy spots 1 thru 5

Sophomores Run The School!

2009-10-16T23:46:00.008-05:00

JV Basketball.
10th Grade.
Winter: 1997-1998.
Record: 9-9. Worst record in Danville High School history (or so they say).
Records broken*: A few.
Best time of my life?: Yes.

Let me preface this by saying that from grade 5 to grade 8, our traveling basketball team from my tiny little class from my tiny little town that didn't even have a stoplight was rolling some of the biggest, blackest, most talented schools in the tri-state area. We won a lot of tournaments and a lot of hardware. Honestly, our 2-3 and 1-3-1 zone defenses run to complete perfection were a force to be reckoned with. We started with a "fab 5" but our bench was fucking deep and any one of those clowns could have started. High school state championship here we come! No problem, right?

Not quite.

Because our school was so small, the "good" players were pulled up to the varsity team in the 9th grade ruining any kind of cohesiveness or chemistry that we had spent years cultivating. But not us. Every blog contributor on here hung out on the JV squad and rocked out in practices while taking charges from the big boys and were coached by the legendary A.J. Smith. I was doing behind the back passes in our fast break drills. I mean, why the fuck not? Shit! That pass didn't quite hit it's target. Line drill! Jeremy "Worms" Heinrich was late to practice. Fuck! Line drill! We were the bastard children of a pretty talented varsity team and they weren't too happy when it was our fault that the whole team had to run. But really, someone had to play the 2, 3, and 4 positions on the JV team, right? Those mean motherfuckers were myself, Rex, and Mr. M. along with a few other characters.

What you don't know is how seriously we didn't take things. And it drove our coach up the fucking wall.

Let's just start by painting a visual picture. Do you know how short boxer shorts are? Well, our Jr. Varsity 1975 issued basketball shorts were fucking shorter than that. So, some of us would either freeball it (go commando) or wear briefs. Rex would still wear boxers and purposefully make sure they hung down below and that the pattern would show through his nut-hugger white basketball shorts. Amazing. Furthermore, before our games, the JV girls team would play. And instead of watching them in our gameday shirt and tie like gentlemen like we were supposed to, we would spend the entire game in the locker room blasting Rage Against the Machine, Snoop, and Metallica while doing our hair. You might think that is weird but consider the fact that everyone on our team had a fucking afro/jewfro even though none of us were black or Jewish. We just grew our hair out on purpose because we thought it was funny. So, for our home games, when it was time for warmups, the sweaty girls team after their game would make a tunnel for us in the hallway leading to the court from our locker room and we would bust out like we were the badasses that we weren't with our hair slicked back into a mullet and dripping wet all over the court. It was a big production. We would circle the entire court and then start our layup and jump shot drills. The best was when our warmup pants would come off and the entire crowd would see our pasty white thighs when we would be at half court doing our butterfly stretches, and even better when our balls would peek out for everyone to see. We did all of this with a straight face. I mean, we had to try to intimidate our competition, right?

Speaking of balls. We had this team manager. I won't say her name but the team manager was usually a girl that for some weird reason wanted to go along with the team and give them water and take stats during games. I never understood it, but hey it's cool because she was also the one giving half the team (us) handjobs in the back of the bus on the rides home from the games. Sometimes two at a time. Is that bad? Maybe. Mainly because it was Rex's girlfriend. Hahahaha. No really. It was. One time, Coach A.J. got really mad at me coming back from Wapello because I was in the forward half of the bus in the "girls section" with no pants on just kind of throwing it out there. Kinda funny, I didn't even need whiskey to do any of this. Such innocence. "Sly, what the hell are you doing? Put your goddamn pants on!" Sorry coach.

*Records Broken:
-Rex Gatling: In our last game of the season against the Maharishi School of the Age of Enlightenment (not kidding) Rex hit 6 three pointers in a single game (still his claim to fame). Now, this was actually pretty amazing. He went 6 for 7 from 3 point range. Just bombing them. Some were from 10 ft. beyond the arc. Some were banked in. He was on fucking fire. I would be wide open asking for the rock and he would be covered and just pull up off the dribble and drain the shit right in that hippies face.

-Mr. Mediocre: Holds the record for either fouling out, getting in a fight, or getting a mild concussion in every game. He also took or tried to take around 340 charges throughout the season which directly contributed to the concussions, fights, and unintended defensive fouls.

-Sylvester Trombone: I think I had a lot of steals or something (Nah, I'm being humble, I was a defensive maniac.)

-Losses: 9

-Lost to New London for the first time in like 20 years. A.J. thought he was going to get fired because of it. We laughed in his face when he said that.

-Most handjobs received from any team manager in a single season.

And none of us played basketball ever again.

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger

2009-10-16T23:11:00.006-05:00

College football...I fucking love it. I'm sorry I'm not sorry. "Win or lose, we still booze." I guess that's what the kids say. I still say it and I've taken nearly 28 trips around the sun. Growing up in Iowa, you have two options, the Iowa Hawkeyes or the Iowa State Cyclones. That's what we get into and love, because: Newsflash! Iowa has no professional sports teams. It's almost kind of funny how fragmented our loyalty is to professional teams. The NFL loyalty, for example, is almost equally distributed between the Bears, Chiefs, Packers, Vikings, Rams, Broncos, and surprisingly, the Dolphins. And still, nobody really cares. MLB is more like the Cubs, Cardinals, and Twins. And absolutely nobody could give two shits about hockey, soccer, or even the NBA...Iowans apparently have no tolerance for uncoachable thugs in cornrows (even though you'd think we really like corn) missing free throws, banging white chicks, not playing a lick of defense, and still making millions of dollars. Anyway, the entire eastern part of the state (where the population centers are) are Hawkeye fans. The I-35 corridor enjoy being the punching bag of the Big-12 (ISU) and I can only assume the western part of the state follow the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Whatever. Unless you actually went to Iowa State, you have no business liking that team, and still, really? Why? The main reason I like college football is that you have only 12-13 regular season games that you play in an attempt to just NOT LOSE. You lose and you are pretty much done, especially if you are in a weak conference or you lose to a weak team. You will just simply not play in the BCS Championship game. There is no playoff and that's a whole other argument altogether.

Ok, so here we go, writing a blog and jinxing my own team. Shit. The 6-0 Iowa Hawkeyes. But I think, hey, if we win again tomorrow, destiny or a higher power just might be on our side. I'm not even talking about a national title here. All I really want to see is a Rose Bowl in my lifetime. I want to spend New Years Eve with my best friends in Southern California. I want a rematch with USC.

Iowa (the 2.5 point underdog) plays Wisconsin tomorrow. And, hey, if you spent a lot of your time in Chicago over the last 5 years hungover on a couch with a pounding headache and a wiseass roommate like I did, then this video on repeat is what you would hear plugged into your stereo speakers at full volume on Sunday morning/afternoon, because, yeah, he likes to see me cry. If this isn't enough to make you hate everything Badger related, then I don't know what the fuck is. He would let this shit roll for like an hour straight as the headache would get worse and the rage would nearly boil over. Too bad he's twice my size.

Romance in Progress

2009-10-16T22:47:00.004-05:00

This very instance one of thee Greatest Love Stories ever is happening… Its rare to be witness to such an event. This type of romance you usually only see in movies like The Notebook or Lethal Weapon.
It involves one my nearest and dearest pals/ second favorite twin his name is Ace. His soul mate goes by the handle of Little One(foot) I don’t know her personally but I’m sure we’ll meet at their rehearsal dinner which cant be far off.Like all great stories the truth is hazy and the facts are sketchy, at best.
It began when Ace a Jack Daniels affinanadio was drawn to a magical place known as The Waterhouse. He could smell their drink specials from 3 blocks away.
Ace walked inside and noticed that peaking up from behind the bar was someones blonde pony tail. Ace bellied up and leaned over to yell down his order and locked eyes with LittleFoot and through the bass thumping and commotion of the waterhouse he heard the sounds of Angles Singing their tears of joy landing on Harp Strings. His pants felt like a snug summer breeze.
She made him a jack and coke and he paid for it by simply handing her his wallet. He was in a daze. He kept his cool after that, and using only his perhipherial vizion. Watch that blonde pixie(his words not mine) the rest of the night.
Female Bartenders can be a difficult creature to capture. Like a jungle cat. They are rarely out of their element and even though every time you see them you want to pet them and hug them and keep them in cages. If you move to sudden they will run away or kill you dead.
Ace is no dummy. He used the classic tatic of sporadic regular weekly appearances at the Jungle Cat’s work place. And with each passing weak the sleeves of his shirts grew shorter and her affection towards him stronger. With his regular status cemented he took it to the next level and began a low level of cyber stalking. He created THIS Facebook profile to befriend her (request still pending) But he was in luck her profile was public. A wonderful turn of events.
Then the romance was almost over… Ace and his brother Gary threw a massive party at the Waterhouse. Towards the end of the evening this happened….

Luckily Ace did what he does best and played it cool and blamed it on his brother and his 19th Jack and Cokes.
Then one magical morning around 4 just before dawn they shared a cab….and that’s where this part of the story ends. I can’t go into the exact details of the cab ride. I can say that the next person to shine a blacklight into the back seat of this cab will be blinded by the white.

Mighty Mouse Twitters!

2009-10-14T12:35:00.003-05:00

The events of last weekend, as told by Mighty Mouse’s Twitter Account (if he had one):

Friday
3:44 pm – The long trip home has begun! Woohoo!
3:45 pm – Stuck in traffic
7:35 pm – Mr. Mediocre is refusing to stop. I am hungry and bladder is full...typical
10:35 pm – At least Joe’s Place isn’t too crowded Pffft!
10:37 pm – I love being ½ an inch away from 50 other human beings
10:39 pm – Just paid to get out of the Clocktower Ramp. I guess there is a first time for everything?
10:56 pm – Back in NL
11:24 pm - Bar just got serenaded with a karaoke version of the classic, “Fuck You Gently”
1:35 pm – Nice tour bus! How many other dudes you got on there? Oh really? Wanna fight?

Saturday
6:12 am – It's snowing outside. How do I know? Cause I just peed off the balcony. Duh.
10:12 am – Mr. Mediocre is refusing to shower…typical.
10:44 am – Got an unusually mediocre hug from Steely Hoover’s wife. Very disappointing.
10:45 am – Steely just made us the greatest breakfast sandwiches ever. Mr. Mediocre ate two…typical.
2:14 pm – One combination that should never be combined? Rex Gatling and Whiskey. Lock up your wives IC.
4:23 pm – Rex attempted to construct a Molotov cocktail out of a Black Velvet bottle and a tissue. Luckily, he only killed 12 innocent bystanders.
6:45 pm – Oh, hello Summit, nice to see you.
7:10 pm – Nice throw Ricky. Great Start. Thanks a lot (asshole).
7:59 pm – You know how I know you’re gay?
9:13 pm – Whammy!
9:49 pm – Ohh…Ohh…Afternoon Delight!
10:25 pm – Nobody touches Rex Gatling!
10:26 pm – Little word of advice, you ever touch Rex Gatling…Game over! (do slashing motion with thumb across jugular)
10:59 pm – I wish my given name was Taking Care of Business
11:36 pm – Mr. Mediocre just had a gargantuan and wouldn’t give anyone a bite…typical.
1:15 am – Looking for a cab…does anyone see one? Send it to Clinton and Iowa Ave.
1:45 am – STILL FUCKING LOOKING FOR A FUCKING CAB! FUCKING!
1:56 am – In a cab. Heard some schmuck paid $75 for a cab ride…glad I wasn’t that desperate.

Dumps On Chest 2.4.07

2009-10-08T23:39:00.002-05:00

Super Blog XXVVL

Blog, what a super disaster!
My favorite team playing in the superbowl, duh, Bears, are losing and I dont have enough bears, I mean beers left to soften the blow if they lose.

Whiskey is not an option because I have to work 'it' 2morrow at 6 AM. In the fuckin morning. That's usually when the party stops. Not when work at the thunderdome begins. I didn't ever hear Snoop ever rap about working early in the morn. Unless piss'n on bitches while listening to WBALLZ is considered work.
It aint.

Oh, how was my super bowl party?
Thanks for axe'n me that, blog.
It's ruled so far. Uhm I'm at my apt. Alone. I've drank 5 bears. Eated my wieght in nachos, and managed to listen to Phil Simmz for 3 quarters without hitting mute once. That streak, however, may end soon.
Hey, dudes, why didn't any ya'll tell me Ben Nahorney was playing QB for the bears? Poor Joe jordan is stuck at 3rd string for the Texans. At least he's got his assistant manager job at Finish Line to fall back on.

Whoa.
Both coaches in the super bowl are "Blacks.'' I had no idea. I havent heard or seen anything about that on TV yet. Although Tony Dungeon is a halfy. Right? Or a moolato as the kids say. The racist kids.

All i'm sayin is he can't dance as good as the Duh Bears' coach.

I'm afraid of public transportation (Please don't get too close to me)

2009-10-07T23:04:00.005-05:00

Top 5 Smells

1. Gasoline
2. When you open a brand new can of tennis balls and "pop the top"
3. The UV coating from 1992 Fleer Ultra Baseball Cards
4. Alkaline Duo on the 4th of July
5. Angelfire

In no particular order.

Football vs. Adult Retardation?

2009-10-07T20:39:00.009-05:00

Well gentlemen, a little less than six months from now, Mr. Mediocre will become a father. Because of this, I have begun taking an abstract look at how my parents "parented." (Actually, I'm not really sure what abstract means, but it sounds like something a dad would say so I'm trying to work it into to my everyday vocabulary). Basically, I have been thinking back through my life and what worked on me and what didn't and what things my folks said that really resonated, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. This got me thinking about sports. Now, my father never forced me to play any sports and I appreciated that. But, on the other hand, there was also an unspoken understanding in my house that if I did not play football, it would be assumed under my ecco jeans housed a giant, throbbing vagina.

I shouldn't really describe it like that because that makes it seem like I hated playing. I didn't. I loved it. From the time I was twelve years old through my senior year of high school, every fall meant another year of football. I got to play with my best friends. I got to be part of a team. I got to understand what pain really felt like. I got to push myself. In a way, I truly believe playing football helped mold me into the person I am today and for that I am thankful for it.

Back then, not much was known about the dangers of concussions and the long-lasting effects they can have on brain function and quality of life. Now, since my job requires me to do many hours of online research a day, I end up reading almost the entire tribune and sun times everyday and it seems like every week or so they have a frightening story about the problems that concussions are causing to football players ranging from former NFL players down to elementary school. Yesterday's story ecspecially caught my eye.

Concussions Get a Closer Look

These stories are starting to make me worried. What if my son wants to play football? Is it even worth it? If he ends up being 6'5", 250...ok, maybe he can get a college education for free with his talents. But, otherwise, what is even the point? When do the dangers start to outweigh the positives of playing football at a young age, when your brain is so fragile and side effects worse? I don't know if I could tell my son absolutely not. I don't even know if I will steer him away from football. I don't want to be the overprotective father I always mocked as a kid and I don't want my son to grow up to be a pussy, but I also don't want him to get a couple concussions playing junior high football and then end up having tremors or putting apple juice on his cereal when he is twenty years old. I just wet myself...please bring me a towel.

Se7en

2009-10-01T21:54:00.008-05:00

I thought this was pretty interesting. I like pictures and graphs and colors and shit. Take it with a grain of salt. It basically maps the U.S. and depicts the 7 'deadly' sins per capita. I fully understand the 'greed' map, as it makes complete sense (densely populated metropolitan/urban commerce centers are naturally where all of the wealth and income are as well as highly concentrated areas of poverty.) That map basically shows the inequality between the two. Furthermore, I think that Appalachia and the deep south are unfairly labeled 'saintly' only because EVERYONE is poor there. There is no super rich population to speak of to show the inequality of the area. Whatever. The other 'sins' are still interesting. I think someone just needs to go all Lorena Bobbitt on America's schlong (Florida). Is it just a bunch of degenerates, old people, and fraudulent voting down there? Iowa and Illinois, good job. Are we lame or just decent people afterall? Also, note to self: Don't go rawdoggin in western South Dakota.

2016

2009-10-01T21:28:00.007-05:00

As a Chicagoan on the eve of the decision regarding who gets to host the summer Olympics in 2016, I honestly don't think I could possibly be MORE indifferent about the whole thing. I've seen half naked misguided hippies riding their bikes around the loop protesting it this spring. Really guys? You have nothing better to go protest? Get a job/life/hobby/something/anything. At the very least, take a fucking shower. I've seen politicians and businesspeople fully supporting it, obviously. I've heard things about taxes not being increased, as well as some nightmarish theories about what we will actually have to do to pay for this shit. I honestly don't care. I love the Olympics. I do. It would be great to have them here, but yet, if I am still living here and trying to commute downtown to work when I am 34 or whatever, it will be an absolute shitshow. Not to mention the idea of some crazy terrorists just chomping at the bit to fuck some serious shit up here. I just don't know, man. I will no doubt read it on msnbc.com tomorrow at work and I will just kind of go on with my day like nothing happened. No cheers, no jeers. All I know is if we don't get the Olympics, this will be just one more thing that Obama doubled down on that failed. I mean, good on ya for trying to head to Copenhagen with Oprah and trying to make a difference, but if you and your crew can't convice the IOC to give you what you want, how do you expect Iran to take you seriously? Just sayin.

2009-10-01T18:45:00.003-05:00

A little background...on the Seattle Mariners radio broadcast Sunday afternoon, color commentator and former MLB third baseman Mike Blowers made a prediction while discussing his pregame “Picks to Click” with longtime Mariners radio announcer and hall of famer Rick Rizzs. Blowers chose recently called up rookie infielder Matt Tuiasosopo, but then when pressed further, he went so far as to predict that Tuiasosopofirst would hit his first big league home run, the count that the home run would be hit on (3-1), the pitcher that the home run would be hit off of (Blue Jays starter Brian Tallet), the at-bat that the home run would be hit in (second), the pitch that the home run would come off of (fastball), and the location of the home run (left-center field).

The first half of the video is the prediction...the second half is pure baseball broadcasting magic. Oh, and in case you are wondering, the guy laughing in the background is Mr. Blowers himself.

Emergency Room

2009-09-29T21:31:00.008-05:00

Because Topper wouldn't post it...

New songs. Solo project.

Beat Kitchen. Chicago, IL. October 25th.

Another Gem...

2009-09-25T11:13:00.007-05:00

First of all, let me apologize. I hate to be the guy who puts a link to another blog in his blog, but I have been that guy twice in one week. For that, I am sincerely sorry. However, deadspin has given the world an absolute gem recently with the continuing email saga with former NFL quarterback and ESPN contributor, Sean Salisbury. For those of you who don't know the story, Salisbury was allegedly fired from ESPN for showing other employees a picture of his "baby" at a work-related party. As most of you can gather, it turns out the baby was actually his penis. ESPN has been very hush-hush on the incident, but over the past couple years since this incident allegedly happened, deadspin has been getting an eye witness or two to give them their accounts of what happened that night and then posting a short story about it. Well, let me tell you, this did not make Mr. Salisbury happy. In fact, another witness's story posted a few weeks ago led to Sean getting very angry, but this time, he had bought an iPhone and learned how to text/email from it. I can't tell whether he is idiotic or maniacal, or both, so I will let you make the final decision.

Sean Salisbury's Thoughts

Speaking the Truth

2009-09-17T09:51:00.004-05:00

As someone who considers baseball less of a pastime and more of an obsession, I frequent different websites like firejoemorgan.com and deadspin.com to read articles by people who actually speak the truth about baseball and talk about sabermetrics and stats that really tell the story and don't simply adhere to what the masses want to read about. Major newspapers and the ESPN's of the world like to talk about "grindy" or "scrappy" baseball players, which is usually just a nicer way of saying a player is bad at baseball. Yesterday, the following piece by 'Junior' showed up at deadspin blowing the doors off of the idea of grinder baseball, sorry Ozzie Guillen...and I loved every syllable of it.

The Utterance of this Word Should Be Punishable by Death

That about sums it up!

2009-09-10T16:39:00.004-05:00

This post is compliments of the Daily Iowan's Andrew Juhl, quite good:

Beating UNI by 1 point is almost as awesome as …

• beating an 8-year-old at Scrabble.
• having the nicest wheelchair in the nursing home.
• winning a Blu-ray DVD of Gigli.
• learning the 25-cent draught special only applies to the Busch Light.
• being the last person allowed to squeeze onto the bus.
• having genital warts in remission.
• being picked second-to-last in dodge ball.
• kissing your cousin and liking it.
• surviving a two-story fall.
• being the best WoW player of all your friends.
• winning the “most-improved” award at camp.
• knowing all the words to every High School Musical.
• being found not guilty by reason of insanity.
• finding a doctor who thinks he can reconstruct your face.
• getting a check from the insurance company for all the stuff you lost in the fire.
• finding a penny in the dryer.
• winning a “biggest-nose” contest.
• barely defeating an inferior team from an inferior conference during the opener, at home, in front of a capacity crowd and the possibly greatest coach your program ever had, directly after renaming a street in that coach’s honor.
• beating ISU by 1 point this weekend.

Spacebitch, My body has been corrupted

2009-09-05T22:32:00.005-05:00

Website of the day:

http://www.shockabsorbersport.co.nz/wawcs0141481/bounce-o-meter.html

Follow the simple steps and enjoy giggling like a 4th grader.

Enough Said...

2009-09-04T20:21:00.002-05:00

I saw this chick at Chipotle in the loop a week or so ago. Bless her heart.

Are you?

2009-09-04T19:28:00.003-05:00

Bill Paxton is a force of nature, and here is a short tribute to one of his greatest works. it goes a little off the rails at the end but it pretty much captures the essence of the film...

versus

2009-09-02T18:54:00.004-05:00

I was at work and having a conversation with my best friend (myself) and while I was drawing giant knockers smothering an even gianter wang on the side of a Slam N Jam Hoops Box it made me wonder what one of my oldest and formidable arch enemies was up to.

The Nemesis' name: Jim Leeper.
His crime: Single handedly ruining the greatest thing to happen to young men all arcoss the Midwest.
Throughout my years I’ve amassed a long list of enemies. Villains of all kinds. Bus Drivers to Politicians to Scuba Diving instructors. Most I’ve already bested…
Connie Mershbrock highshool principal (deceased; poison tipped dart)
Heavy D (deceased; verbal homicide)
Leane Ryhmes ‘artist ?’( alive; for now)
And most recently
KrackerShaq ‘streetballer’(deceased; sabotaged Reebok pumps to explode)

The circumstances for acquiring these Enemies are wide ranging.
Michael Johnson, refused my challenge to a 400 meter race stating ‘I’m wearing sandals, and we're on a yacht…’
Mayor of Danville for supreme cockblockery at the Danvile State Bank BBQ. His excuse: ‘That’s my wife’
Daisy Fuentes for inviting Michael Johnson to her yacht party.
The list goes on and on, but the man at the top of that list, in all caps, underlined in blood, still to this day, is Jim Leaper. Because, 48 years ago when I was in JR high, in a land before Digital Cable and internet access, there was a glorious phenomenon known throughout the world as Scrambled Porn.
On television sets across the Midwest, the Spice Channel would appear with full sound and scrambled picture, luscious wavy neon green and blue breasts and ass bounced across the television screen and AND some nights as if God existed the scrambled waves would cease and it would be clear as day. It's because of this that for years I thought anyone with a pool at some point in the day would have 3 girls laying next to it, all three crotchdeep.

Scrambled Porn? It might not sound as great now, but when you're twelve years old counting your pubes it’s the goddamn best.

Apparently one evening Jim Leeper was channel surfing with his wife and daughter Carrie whom I have no problem with but I’m 99 % certain I’m on her Enemies list.
Why?
I’ll tell you why.
During a Varsity girls basketball game with 2 minutes to go in the 4th quarter I began a countdown from the bleachers 5, 4, 3… causing the opposing team to fire up a shot, missed and Carrie ripped down the rebound took one dribble and heaved a full court shot landing roughly 19 feet short of swishing.
I couldn’t believe my countdown had worked I was laughing so hard I was on the verge of pissing myself when I looked out onto the court and saw Carrie's cold dead eyes staring into mine. She slowly dragged her thumb across her throat, ear to ear and then pointed at me. I’ve slept with a Crossbow Loaded with a sliver tipped arrow dipped in Nun’s tears, because that’s the only thing that will stop Carrie.

One night at the Leeper's compound, right after the credits of The Family Ties started to roll, Jim Leeper and family began channel surfing when what did they stumble across, but scrambled Spice.
With one strongly worded letter to the editor published in the Hawkeye newspaper, followed by a phone call to the cable company, he successfully shutdown the entire gloryholeous operation, FOREVER.
The retaliation began immediately.
Ding Dong Ditch, Crank Calls, flaming brownbags of dieaherreah, spears thrown at his head, regular bags of dieareaha, and more crank calls. Everything in a twelve year old's arsenal was fired at Jim Leeper… Alas, this old bastard, post-holocost Hilter mustache sporting, never blinking, porn hating, powered by Jesus, father of Carrie, could not be defeated.

Standard Operating Procedure

2009-08-28T19:48:00.008-05:00

I was so outraged that this Deputy got fired for doing what he's been hoping to do since he got hired.. use his authority and access to automatic weapons for the pursuit of poontang here is the story its been out for a while but i wanted to Hire This guy as Sheriff of Desparadise before i posted it...

MIDLAND, Texas — An embarrassed Sheriff Gary Painter fired one Midland County deputy and suspended three others without pay after a scantily dressed waitress holding a rifle posed for photographs on the hood of a patrol vehicle.

The incident occurred last week in the parking lot of a Twin Peaks restaurant, which promotes its "fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!"

The deputies told Painter that they had about three to five beers each. (LIES)

A fifth deputy who remained inside the eatery got a letter of reprimand. ( his name was Virginal Killjoy)

What was Virginal Thinking? Why didnt he go outside? He must of known he had no chance of boneing that girl OR he was afraid this might happen...

what you dont see off camera is all the dead Deputies and bystanders and Virginal In a corner weeping

Blogstache

2009-08-28T19:40:00.003-05:00

The amount of great mustaches in this trailer is off the charts and Jeff Bridges is Thee Man and he's in this movie, with a ponytail
Butt if your in a hurry the last 21 seconds of this trailer is really all you need to see...

Avert Your Eyes

2009-08-25T22:10:00.006-05:00

As someone who lives in a massive city, as well as a dog-friendly city, sometimes I feel bad for dogs that have to poop in public. They look embarrassed. They really do. They actually make eye contact with me and the other 10-25 people that walk by them on the sidewalk while they take a shit in the cold, or the rain, or just in general, just asking for help or for us to just not fucking look at them during their private time. Dogs are smart. Dogs know that they are being watched while they are shitting, and I really think that they don't like it that much. Just saying.

only 49 months away

2009-08-25T14:04:00.005-05:00

yeah it doesnt come out for like 3 years but i'd rather watch this 120 times then 80 percent of the movies in theaters now, so i will.

p.s.
Inglorious Basterds was was all kinds of amazing

Call me Bruce

2009-08-25T03:29:00.007-05:00

Oh man my new computer is great. You see I had to get a new one because I snapped my old one into two pieces when I saw this picture, under this headline…

Milla Jovavich Marries Some Fuckwad

Okay relax this turd is probably just a billionaire. I mean he HAS to be a billionaire he cant just be oh wait that son of a bitch is Paul Anderson the ‘movie’ director NOT to be confused with Paul THOMAS Anderson the ‘film’ director who wrote and directed Punch Drunk Love (best movie Ever) and he also gave the world Heather Graham butt ass naked on roller skates. I mean I’d marry the guy. Now just who is this other Paul Anderson? Oh hes the visual maestro behind Resident Evil, Event Horizon, Aliens VS Predator, Mor- BALUURRAAAIIGHAUUGHHaah!
….
Sorry I just threw up all over myself.

I shouldn’t be so worked up over this marriage after all Desparadise Scientistists have concluded that a ring does not in fact, mean a thing. I’m sure as soon as Milla sees the Movies I’ve directed such as Homecoming Safety, and Homecoming Safety the sequel
I’ll be the one fucking her from behind while we watch The Fifth Element.

Speaking of checking for wedding rings. I registered to become a college student again today. I was nervous. Not about classes or financial aid. I was nervous that because this college was so small AND located in southeast iowa. Traditionally a no fly zone for babes that there would be a major lack of bad girls for me to leer at/get shot down by.
BUTT the very first female I came into contact with (stared at using my perefphrial vision) looked exactly like this…

Her ass was so perfect she probably has two guys fighting over her and then she convinces a third guy to kill her evil step father all the while she’s actually bone’ing Antonio Banderas. Subsequently that’s also the plot of my new book Entitled ‘ Raw Dogging The Devil: A Christmas Carol’

D.O.C. Episode 1.8.07

2009-08-24T21:59:00.004-05:00

Blogly departed

Blog, I found him.

Who?

The awesome-est baddass guy who ever exsited in the history of the infinity of warehouses…I don't know this dude's name, but he works on 1^st shift.

Let me just give you a tiny taste of just how greatly baddass this dude is, because baby if I gave you the whole thing, your uterus would explode out your mouth. You just can't handle a man this manly.

He stands a towering 5'5" with a permanent look of smug disgust at all the people not as amazing as him. His hair is cut in a crew cut he gave himself cuz he ain't gunna pay no big titted bitch 8 bucks to do what he can damn do him damn self.

His muscles are firm and toned from 45 minutes of Martial Arts, 3 nights a week. Self taught.

He brings his lunch every day in one giant Tupperware bowl. No matter if its spaghetti or a roast beef sandwich, its in the fucking bowl.

He slams every door he goes through.

Like I said, if you cant handle it...

Just to put this in perspective for my Danville folk, if Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, this guy, and Jason Carlson were in a room together, Jason Carlson would suck THIS guys dick first... All 37 inches of it, probably.

What's he wear? T-shirt, NO coat! Don't need it, "weather is for church pussies."

He rocks his favorite pair of jean shorts over his favorite pair of sweat pants… Jean shorts over sweat pants.

It all happened 12 years ago, in 1987, when he was in his efficiency apartment sharpening his collection of Indian spears, naked, staring at his jean shorts. "If only there was a way I could wear these year round", when he noticed in the corner the sweatpants he had used as a cumrag the night before when Howard Stern had some pornstar on his show with the blurred out boobies, it all suddenly became clear. Peanut butter and jelly, Belushi and German Shepherds...jean shorts and sweat pants. Perfection.

Oh and yesterday we both stopped our lifts at opposite sides of the isle and I waved him through first, and he mumbled 'Ass..' under his breath as he shook his head in disgust and drove off. Yeah so I thought I'd go ahead and write this obituary for his motherfucker before I kill him dead.

Spelt

2009-08-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

This blog is going to be all about a certain homophone. No, I am not talking about old school Nokia devices or even a Pay-Per-View that I KNOW Rex has thought about purchasing. No the homophone I will be discussing is defined as "a word that is pronounced the same as another word but differs in meaning". This post will specify on one specific homophone that boggles my mind when misused. That homophone is there/their. It is unbelievable to be that there are so many people that misuse this word. I have received emails from bosses before with this error and Facebook status updates are NOTORIOUS for this. One scan down through your "friends" update status' and I swear you will see something like this: "Mrs. Hull wishes there weekend would last longer" or "Mr. Ita is thinking, their goes the neighborhood!" OR the killer "Mrs. Brown was wishing there friends weren't at the bar because I am stuck at home and can't be their". I don't want to sound like a Middle School grammar teacher because I am certainly not perfect, but their is no need for such errors (catch that). That is hard for me not to fix. I understand that spell check does not catch such errors but it really scrapes my scene to see that shit making it to text. Especially on Facebook because these "friends" that you have are most likely old High school or College classmates. They went to school, I learned this shit, why did they not catch on? This shit is elementary. Now I know that not all school knowledge will/could/should stay with you, but some should not be forgotten: 2x2, H2O, Hola, Walkabout and fucking there/their.

My Best Retards,

Steely Hoover

Disclaimer: Rex, please pay 0% attention to my above post, I love your misspellings. Also, do NOT comment on any grammatical errors I may have had in this post because that is just juvenile.

Horry Kow!

2009-08-21T21:55:00.004-05:00

So the Cubs are, ahem, 7 games back from St. Louis right now in the Central. And, what, 6 games back in the Wild Card race? Ouch. Just a little fun fact for everyone as the season is winding down. You'll get em next year, though, right? Or the next. Or maybe the next.

Random Thoughts (not by me)

2009-08-21T00:06:00.005-05:00

This is all over the internet and I got it in an email at work today. I am glad I didn't ignore it because it's great. I had to make a trip to the bathroom afterwards because I had an accident in my pants in my chair. We have all thought these same things at some point in our lives so it's nothing too original but the fact that someone took the time to really compile all of these things and make them so poetic makes them hilarious.

***************************

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. – very funny…

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

DumpsOnChest Episode 6.16.07

2009-08-19T21:43:00.004-05:00

did you blog on the couch?????????.....

Its been a glorious 15 year run, blog, but now the secret is out.

I watch porn.

Oh you knew that. Right, of course you did. You're a man.

Well thanks to mediacom and their itemized bill my roomate/exgirlfriend/archenemy/bff/loanshark saw that at 2:08 a.m and 2:14 a.m. 2 movies, $11.99 each (half the price of a lap dance minus the glitter) were ordered. The first one being Black Booty 9, the newest offering in the Black Booty series. BB8 ended with such a cliff hanger that I had to find out what happened.

SPOLIER ALERT
Turns out Desire did, in fact, have a thing for Ramone...'s cock. You see, in the whole Black Booty 8, Desire is stricktly lez. Then Ramone shows up at her Photo Shoot, and it ends. Well actually i turned it off. Anyway, the second one I ordered was called ''something something anal something girls.'' I don't remember exactly, oh, 'nympho' was also in the title.
I dont remember telling my roomate this but she says that I said a looong time ago that ''I dont like porno.'' AND she believed me. I guess I was pretty convincing.

I told her it was degrading to men. You know, how they're constantly being ordered around and accused of not trying their hardest.

DumpsOnChest Episode 9.13.08

2009-08-18T22:23:00.011-05:00

Blog@blog.com

Blog Deep Presents

Volume One of The Geico Email Correspondence.

When you're on the phones at Geico some of your calls are recorded and monitored to help keep track of performance and offer feedback via emale on how you are doing. This is some of that feedback.

The parties involved are; myself Rex Gatling, former Gieco Auto Insurance High Chancellor, or Counselor as they liked to call it.

The second is Keith Koot, Gieco Service Supervisor. A little background on Keith: He was married at 18, now 34, he commutes one hour to work and is assistant deputy sheriff of Hardin County and hates to be called Keither Sutherland. Also it is believed, however unproven, that he wants to be thought of as a cool guy and to accomplish this he says the word 'cool' as much as possible.………………………………………………………………………………………………

To: rgatling@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: service

Rex,

You had another call roll in and it was a rough one, the guy was upset about his billing and you were empathic, nice job! however when the customer says negative things about geico don't agree with them. Remember You're Gieco!!

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia

…………………………………………………………………………………

To: KKoot@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: Re: service

Keith,

I think I was agreeing with my disagreement not the negative comments about Gieco. Sometimes I forget I'm Gieco.

~Rex Gatling

Service Chancellor
Geico Coralville, IA

To: rgatling@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: Re: Re: service

Rex,

Your last email didn't make any sense.

Try and take things more serious. Remember to focus! Also its counselor not chancellor ;)

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia

……………………………………………

To: rgatling@gieco.com

cc:
Subject: personals

Rex,

I know we talked about you taking too many breaks last week, and then today you came back from lunch and then less than a half hour later signed out for another break for 23 minutes? I don't buy it. What happened where were you? Was there an emergency?

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia

………………………………………………………………………………..

To: KKoot@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: personally

Keith,

First it WAS an emergency. It involved equal parts Pancheros and a large coffee. Have you ever chased a burrito with coffee Mr. Koot? It's a race without any winners.

-rex gatling

………………………………………………………………………………………

To: rgatling@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: released calls?

Rex,

While looking at the your call log I couldn't help but notice several calls being released early. You know very well you have to let the customer hang up first whats going on? Let me know if your having trouble with you headset or phone pad, but hanging up on our policy holders needs to stop.

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia

…………………………………………………………………………………..

To: KKoot@gieco.com

cc:

Subject: bad connectionz

Keith,

Yeah well the release button is near the hold button and sometimes I hit by mistake. I'll pay closer attention in the future. Thanks for the heads up!

Rex Gatling
…………………………………………………………………………………

To: rgatling@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: Re: bad connectionz

Rex,

The release button is on the opposite side of the phone pad. Your lack of focus is starting to concern me. Do you even want to be here? You can do this job Rex, but we want you to want to do this job. Is that something you think you can do? If not we'll need to talk.

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia
……………………………………………………………………………………………

To: rgatling@gieco.com
cc:
Subject: inappropriate

Rex,

Susan Ruby confronted me about and email you sent her. I shouldn't have to tell you after 5 months that work email is for WORK ONLY! You cant email your co-workers to see if they want to 'get their drink on' or meet for some 'Karaoke and cocktails' . Also Supervisors and Managers aren't allowed to socialize with co-workers outside of work at all. And putting @% after the letter F doesn't make the word less offensive.

~K Koot
Service Supervisor
Geico Coralville, Ia

Dumps On Chest

2009-08-18T22:14:00.003-05:00

So, I think we have a new mystery contributor here at Desparadise. His/Her name is DumpsOnChest. They wanted to publish some of their annals (anals). They might be coming to you every once in a while, republished in digital form from way back when. Hopefully they will date them for us.

Actually, it's just Rex's blogs from years ago from his domain at nerdyroleplayinggames.blogspot.imasturbatealot/blasianporn/dumpsonchest.com.

Enjoy.

Little One

2009-08-16T18:41:00.010-05:00

Here are the events of this last weekend as told by Rex's Facebook status updates. FYI "flip it" is the term for Rex's technique at giving ticket scalpers handjobs for Blink-182 tickets. He kept his wrist warmed up by practicing on Ace in the backseat of my car the entire way to Tinley Park. Also, Mike got stuck in a handstand because he was locked in his bedroom trying to suck his own penis on Saturday morning before brunch, or at least that's the story we made up. He was actually passed out and not breathing. Good thing his twin brother knows CPR. The weekend was a success, I would say.

Need to get the Brockways a 31st Bday gift anyone know a place that sells Military Erotica???
August 12 at 9:17pm

Just called into work Let the Brock Party 09 begin!!!!!
Thu at 12:21pm

just got picked up by knight rider heading to chicago
Thu at 6:28pm

at the waterhouse with a coupla twins.
Thu at 11:48pm

Aces shirts off And Garys grinding on a barstool. More High Life astat
Thu at 11:56pm

Ace passed a taste test between Jack V.S. Drano FREE jack and cokes!!!
Fri at 12:13am

Gary went to BIG SHITTY Tap alone i hope his plan parenthood bill is paid up. MUgger please!
Fri at 12:59am

whiskeys the New Coffee. Brockfest
Fri at 8:05am

On the BrownEye Train with the twins, and Matt wont stop making train whistle noises
Fri at 11:13am

Mike(Ace) closed down Panda Express, 15 pounds of orange chicken 2 egg rolls, one employee in tears
Fri at 12:53pm

For his birthday Gary wishes he knew how to Parrayell Park
Fri at 1:37pm

After lunch Brockway Roeshambo
Fri at 1:48pm

Mike bet Matt 200 bucks he can go shirtless until Sunday
Fri at 2:06pm

Brockway Supermacy Ace is on his 9th budlight in as many minutes. Gary just finished his 800th push Up, waterhouse hide your daughters
Fri at 4:11pm

Brockway Ultimatum Gary and Ace are posted up on the front steps flexing/inviting all passing females to the waterhouse
Fri at 5:42pm

Heading to YouFizz with The twins and Legzz
Fri at 6:59pm

Pulled a birthday Dine and Dash Ace and gary still got that 4 by 100 meter speed
Fri at 8:45pm

Brockfest 30 dollars 2 twins 1 braclet No Liver
Fri at 9:10pm

Brockfest the morning after. Somehow Matt became Deputy Mayor last night and Mike passed out on a smoldering police car.
Yesterday at 9:15am

Btown punched out Ozzie Guillen last night and just signed a 3 year deal to play for the Pirates this morning, short stop naturally.
Yesterday at 9:35am

Mike is the new Queen of the Waterhouse
Yesterday at 10:34am

Mike is stuck in a hand stand
Yesterday at 10:35am

Lock up your wives Mikes 28
Yesterday at 10:50am

Mike retired 4 female bartenders last nite with his Murder Eyes
Yesterday at 11:05am

Mike Lives!
Yesterday at 11:58am

well we're back at Waterhouse to Begin Mikes reign as Queen
Yesterday at 12:28pm

Shots of Jamenson just happened.
Yesterday at 12:46pm

Ace is spray tanning Gary for our Trip to the Pool. Let the Can Opener Compition Begin
Yesterday at 2:21pm

Ace got kicked out of pool for holding tweens under water and Gary Tried to sneak a pee in the pool but he was waaay to dehighdratded and got busted cold.
Yesterday at 4:10pm

Ace and Gary are going to help me get a ticket by lowballing some scalpers, with their fists
Yesterday at 5:35pm

cost of one blink ticket 15 seconds of a shirtless Gary
Yesterday at 8:34pm

Best. Drum. Solo. Ever
Yesterday at 11:15pm

Ace and Gary put B's Nazda on their shoulders and ran us outta the parking lot. fLIP IT.
18 hours ago

Gary wanta Ace to steal dumbellz but he wont. flip it
15 hours ago

On our way back from a nice sunday sermon. Ace informed the preacher of 3 new sins he created on Brockfest Saturday nite. BE HEE YALED
6 hours ago

Matt keeps mumbling in his sleep 'little foot... Flip it...'
3 hours ago

R.I.P. Brockfest 09 we'll always have the memories between Blackouts to cherish
16 minutes ago

Nobody likes you when you're 23

2009-08-16T16:35:00.008-05:00

Before I forget. In order, although a couple of new songs I might have gotten switched. But they did play all these:

Dumpweed
Feeling This
Rock Show
Violence
Whats My Age Again
Obvious
I Miss You
Stay Together For The Kids
Down
Always
Stockholm Syndrome
First Date
Man Overboard
Not Now
Don't Leave Me
All The Small Things
Adams Song
Reckless Abandon
Josie
Anthem Pt. 2

Travis Drum Solo
Carousel
Dammit

I took a few pictures from my high powered penis cam. Enjoy!

I will never ever see another show at Tinley Park. Not because of the 13 year old hotties, but because of the parking lot. Unreal. Tell me about it.

The Greatest Gift of All

2009-08-12T14:22:00.042-05:00

This weekend is the 30th or so birthday of this set of twins I know. Their name is The Brockways.
a.k.a. Ace and Gary
a.k.a. Lighting and Thunder
a.k.a. Cruise and Missile
a.k.a. Matt and Mike
Now for as long as I’ve known them (decades) they’ve axed for the same thing for their birthday over and over again. A live action GI JOE MOVIE. And for some wonderful reason, Jesus or David H. Petraeus (same guy for them) heard their request and made it happen.

Now if you were a man in his pre underarm hair days, 5 to 12 years old (for myself it was 5 to 22 years old) you fucking loved GI JOE.

GI Joe the movie might arguably be one the best SCI FI movies ever made (this year). That is until District 9 comes out and blows away everyone's nuts with awesomeness, but I’m off point… They really ratchet up the high tech shit with super hover vehicles, plasma ionosphere energy blasterz, the baroness' leather suit, etc.

GI JOE casts
Dennis Quaid as General Hawk. Perfect.

Chabesing Tastem is Duke

and Marlon Wayonz as Ripcord

They’re not very believable as people, let alone Joes, but in their defense they probably got their character inspiration from the actual action figures.

The rest of the Joe’s Cast is
Snake Eyes

G.I. ButterFace

G.I. Bigger Black Guy

and G.I. IT Support

They really only face off against two Cobra’z

The Baroness is played with extreme Hotness by Seina Miller whos got a pretty great Jelly Doughnut in the making

and Storm Shadow (the ninja who’s so good at sneaking around he can get away with wearing all white.)

Cobra Commander is played by a wasted Joseph Gordon-Levit who starred in BRICK. Possibly the greatest movie ever made (EVER). I know Cobra Commader always had a mask on or whatever but they didn’t even use his real voice they gave him some kind of growling heavy metal James Hetfield voice.

Enough about the Cast of the Joes...how was the actual fucking movie???

Well some of the dialogue and ALL of Marlon Ripcords jokes sounded like a verbal weiner in my ear (very awkward and hard to understand.) It was like they knew they had to fit in the phrases:
‘Knowing is half the battle’
‘Kung Fu Grip’
‘Real American heroes’
‘Yo Joe’
and
‘If it moves Snake Eyes will fuck it’

Into the movie awkwardness be damned. The last two phrases fit in with the other dialogue, the rest seemed to just interrupt a conversation.
The plot was pretty simple: Cobras steal a super weapon, JOEs must recover/save world. But before that can happen they gotta train in their super cool hidden base 7000 feet below the pyramids of Egypt. Which was the coolest thing about movie UNTIL we got to the Cobras base 8000 feet below the NORTH POLE mutherfuckers with WITH a self destruct button BADA BOOM.

GI Joe was a great Science Fiction/Comedy and a fairly decent action movie. It's no Transporter 2 but its not supposed to be. I give it 5 stars out of an undisclosed amount. It's also better than Transformers or at least the parts of Transformers when Megan Fox is not on screen.

Oh and happy birthday Brockways. If you guys were JOES you would be G.I. Hurricane and G.I. Rogaine , but I’m not going to say whos who.

COOOOOBBBRRAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twitter Revisited

2009-08-11T21:21:00.018-05:00

No, I still don't have a Twitter account. BUT, I kind of get it now. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with Twitter's overblown nonexistent influence in the recent Iranian election. Our favorite band is back in their hometown (Chicago) recording their new album and they apparently all got on the Twitter bandwagon recently. It's actually pretty cool to know what they are up to here in Chicago this week yet at the same time still super dorky that they Tweet (gross).

Matt Skiba was at Reggie's last night watching his friend, a crossdressing performer/model do whatever it is he/she does. And I can't figure out if he is really into guns now or something. Pills probably...but guns? Never saw that coming. I guess I just need to talk it out with him to find out (highly unlikely). I bet their new album is going to be ridiculous, though. I cannot wait. His latest Tweet (still hate that word) is the trailer for the new Scorsese film, Shutter Island (below)...DiCaprio, Kingsley, Ruffalo...it's gonna be tits.

Dan Andriano is just slappin' da bass. And he is apparently obsessed with surfing and fishing and just living the dream in general. That's what Florida will do to you, I suppose. Is he soft? Probably. Am I jealous? Yeah.

Derek Grant just kind of kills it on the drums. He has some good pictures of the studio. Check them out.

That thing barely reaches my damn shins!

2009-08-02T21:19:00.002-05:00

Thanks to a little bit of input early in my blogging career, I have decided to change my routine a bit. I had stated earlier that I would follow the footsteps of Peter Griffin and let you know what "really grinds my gears". Early on I knew that using the same terminology was the easy way out and I was thankful that I was slightly, and politely, called out on this. I will use this advise and routinely tell you what really "scrapes Steely's scene" (thanks Sly).

Anyone that knows me, knows that I get a huge kick out of seeing a kiddie urinal in a non-kiddie place (i.e. a bar, strip club, Venus' bookstore, etc.). I try to utilize all situations where I find such a urinal in such a place by ever so gently dropping trou to my ankles exposing the dimples of my ass. This is obviously a joke to those that know me, but nearly every time almost takes me to fisticuffs with your common U of Iowa basketball player/student athlete type that doesn't already have is eye on dropping a roofie in some coed's drink (yeah I said it, but that was more Alford's days). These guys just think that I am some dipshit that is trying to pick up some guy by showing off my bear ass for all to see, NOT SO. I am merely trying to make a point and a joke at the same time. If I were able to draw as well as Rex this would be one helluva sketch (this is an invitation for another drawing R. Gat). It is not so much the placement of these urinals that scrape Steely's scene because maybe they are there for the handicap? Though I have never seen a wheelchair parked in front of one but dammit, now I want to! No, I can't blame it on the placement because what scrapes my scene would also scrape my scene if I saw such urinal in a common ground for kindergartners.

What really scrapes Steely's scene is pubic hairs on kiddie urinals. Pubic hairs on urinals in general pisses me off, but on kiddie urinals it really flips my lid. I have never understood how so many pubies can get onto one urinal. Is it common for other men to get pissed off while pissing and yank hairs out? Do other men shed hair down there as fast as hair elsewhere? I don't ever remember a time where I have witnessed one of my pubies fall off and land ever so gently onto the rim of a urinal, I just don't get it. And that is what I don't get even MORE with a kiddie urinal. The distance from crouch to landing is that much further that I know some Mother F'er had to place that shit on the urinal lip. Please, if I am alone in this and it is very unlikely that I have never unintentionally left a DNA strand on a urinal, let me know. BUT until the day that I witness a strand of my own make such a skydive, I will forever believe that pubies on urinals are left in the same way as poop smears on toilet seats, INTENTIONALLY.

And that folks, really scrapes Steely's scene.

Everyday is a Holliday

2009-08-01T19:11:00.004-05:00

Really? Really? Have you been paying attention to the St. Louis Cardinals newest addition? Just thought I would fill you readers in if not. Entering tonights game, the fellow that is batting AFTER Mr. Pujols has a batting average of a whopping 600 since joining the Cards! This will probably bite me in the ass for stating it and will certainly jinx this spree, but hell all mighty I couldn't not say something.

Side note, as I am typing this Mr. Holliday is currently 2 for 2 tonight with a jack to right. This now makes him 6 for 6 in the series against Houston.

Long Live Scotty

2009-08-01T17:43:00.004-05:00

One thing I equally dread/ enjoy about laying low in Danville is bumping into people I haven’t seen for yearz. One such encounter took place two nights ago. I walked into Grinders to buy a twelve pack. When I walked up to the cashier to pay standing in line ahead of me was Rotty Scogers a.k.a Scotty Rogers.

“what the *fuck is up man?
“not much man how’ve been’
“Ah buying a fuckin 30 pak’
‘where you workin these days?’
‘Driving a forklift’
‘Ah cool, shit’
How bout you
‘**well I was fuckin working for (somewhere I don’t remember) got laid the fuck off, but now they’re fucking paying us unemployment for 2 years and paying for us to go back to fuckin school to so I figure fucking fuckem’”

Just looking at him made me almost want to shelve my beer, buy a water and run ten miles. Rotty was lookin rough apparently he’s been spending every waking hour outside under the sun driving four-wheelerz through barbwire fences and punching down trees while he his finishes off his 90th beer before lunch.
Now Mr Scogers is a few years younger than me but if I axed a stranger to guess his age they’d probably say 40, 49ish?
The fucked up thing the son of bitch will probably live to be 95 years old and god bless him but it just goes to show that taking care of yourself is waste of time.

*the above conversation is editing for length. there were easily several dozen more FBombz dropped by Mr Scogers

**This didn’t make much sense to me either but it sounded like Rotty got a sweet deal

Hello, My name is Theo

2009-07-31T21:01:00.005-05:00

Hello blogiverse, how have you been holding up? Me, I have been well, thanks for asking. It has been some time since I have posted, I visited daily to check on my fellow duechbags but never had the time to publish Pulitzer posts. Why you ask? Well, I have been busy spreading my seed around. By seed I mean semen, by spreading I mean spurting and by around I mean my wife’s fertile egg. You see, my recent activities have been those of the reproductive kind. It’s not like it took up the majority of my days, only about 52 seconds every other Saturday morning BUT it was just hard for me to find the time. heh, hard. Well, now that I am back I hope to find everyone doing well and doing IT often because dammit I don’t want to be the only one that gets a weekly email from babycenter.com telling me that my child is now the size of a kumquat. Yeah, a kumquat. How the hell am I supposed to know the size of a kumquat? Is there no other common fruit/vegetable/ball that you could refer to? God, I have gone too long on that. You all don’t even know what the hell I am talking about, so I quit.

idk, ne way, this blog stil mkes me lmao n i mist u vry mch. sum tymes i cdnt fig out wht 2 do wit myslf so i came, heh came, up wit n idea. i wld lrn how 2 wrte ths blog n txt/twittrin type spelln, ths weh i cn wrte > blgs n < tym. FUUUUUUCK, my head hurts. This is way too hard! heh, hard. What the hell is up with this stupid acronym spelling that has taken over this world? I never thought too much of it until I joined Facebook and started getting adds from people like my step brother’s mom’s aunt and others of the same age/distant relationship/highschool janitors, and saw that this stuff has moved from tweens to elders. Its all over the place, my grandmother was the first to tell me what rotfl stood for, my grandmother! Ok, I know there are many others out there that feel the way I do so I will not carry on. I do have a point here. Based on my current situation (god that sounds so bad, I am thrilled but couldn’t find a different word to use other than situation and thesaurus did not help one bit. Blessing? Yeah that’s more upbeat, wasn’t what I was looking for but lets use that) ok, based on my current blessing (see first paragraph) I have started to contemplate what my future child’s name will be and have noticed that this new SMS/phonetic spelling has kind of found its way onto birth certificates. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some very unique names out there that I think are pretty bad ass and my child may have one BUT it is the spelling of said names that kill me. Classic names have been towe-up to meet the new age coolness of spelling. Maybe these names have always been there and I just now have spotted it, but when did this first occur? In honor of SSA very recently publicizing the most common baby names (yeah, they do that) I thought it may be nice to follow in the footsteps of Mr. M and make a list of my own. I am making a list as to what the most popular baby names will be in 2020.

SSA names listed first, my projected names listed second.

Jacob...............Jaykub
Michael...........Mycool
Ethan...............Eeeeethn
Joshua.............Joshwa
Daniel..............DMFD
Alexander.......Alxzandr
Anthony..........An-toni
William............Sean (pronounced finally as it should be "seen")
Christopher....Krixtofer
Matthew.........Matthew :) <3>

Girls

Emma............Lexus
Isabella..........Destiny
Emily..............Angel
Madison.........Porshe
Ava.................Trinity
Olivia..............Crystal
Sophia............Justice
Abigail............Diamond
Elizabeth........Candy
Chloe...............To the stage

You heard it here first.
Steely, out.

Black Iowa Dirt

2009-07-28T00:07:00.005-05:00

Hi there. Long time, no pee. I've been gone awhile, so I have a lot of pressure for a great post, right? Nah, fuck it. You see, I really don't care. All I do is work, and wish I drank whiskey. I try to keep up with politics, sports, and certain blogspots where you have to guess whether or not......ah, fuck it, nevermind. ANYWAY, last night Syl, myself, and two other hooligans went to the W.P. in Chicago, for some entertainment. We ran into one of my friends from back home (Lee County, IA). If you are from a small town, that is the new, hip way to say where you are from. Tell me about it. Anyway, his name is Will. You see, Will is one of the reasons I am so awesome. Will and I were math partners in High School, and he would be quoting Pearl Jam and Janes Addiction songs while reading Thrasher. I was into Guns N Roses and Nelson only, so this was all new to me. One day he brought me a tape of the Smashing Pumpkins. I told him I would listen to it, because lets face it, Will was a cool ass motherfucker in our school filled with hillbillies. I came back the next day and told him that it fucking sucked. Two years later Will, myself, and our buddy Clay were on our way to Moline to see my favorite band of all time. Yeah, the Smashing Pumpkins.
So, Will was a year older than me, and he graduated high school. We kind of lost touch, but I'd see him around. I ran into him in Iowa City about 6 years ago, and he told me he had been working on some tunes. He said he wasn't doing anything else but told me something I'll never forget. He said "When your wants are small, you don't need much." I had never really thought of it that way at the time, but wow. He gave me his phone number, told me to call him, and we called it a day. Throughout the next couple years I would randomly run into him, and catch him playing some shows.
I left Iowa City for Chicago, when Will was really starting to make a name for himself in the midwest, and through touring with bands such as Murder By Death, Clutch, and The fucking Pogues. I was reading Alternative Press magazine, and all of a sudden he was staring back at me, with a full page review of his new album. The next week, I'm reading MOJO magazine, arguably the biggest music mag in Britain, besides NME, and there is a 3 page spread on little Willie. He was blowing up. Our Will from Lee County, the nicest kid in the world, who has had more hardships than anyone, was making a name for himself, selling out venues all over the U.S. AND Europe.
Last year my wife/life partner went to see Will play at the Beat Kitchen. It was sold out, and we sat on the side of the stage and watched him play. More than half of the time, I was watching the audiences reaction to his music, and it honestly made my heart fill with fucking joy. 16 year old girls and 40 year old dudes alike singing about Lee County, Iowa, his farm in Montrose, the rain on the tin roof of his makeshift cabin, was so fucking amazing. Here is Will so drunk off of whiskey, standing up after every song to bow to the crowd and say thank you. So humble indeed.
Soooooooooooooo, last night William Elliott Whitmore played a small set. He played Johnny Law, Hell Or High Water, Dry, Old Devils, Lee County Flood, and Diggin' My Grave. Fucking amazing as usual. He ended the set with Lee County Flood, and right before he played he looked at me and said "I love you buddy, thanks for coming." Definitely an awesome moment. If you have a chance check him out. His music is raw, and his voice is old. Like fucking Tom Waits meets Johnny Cash. You won't regret it.

At Jake's and gotta poop? Good luck with that.

2009-07-27T19:16:00.007-05:00

Every year, students, alumni, and followers of their favorite school's athletic teams await this list. Students party so fucking hard in order to be able to say that they made the Princeton Review's list of top party schools and then they party even harder to prove, maintain, and increase their rank. Now, there are other various groups/organizations/institutions that make lists like these...Playboy has one too, but the lists all turn out fairly similar every year. Not really sure why I am filled with such pride, but congratulations Iowa City for keeping the dream alive. 9th place and 12th place. Not too bad. See you this fall for football season.

List of top party schools by Princeton Review
By The Associated Press (AP)
The nation's top party schools, according to Princeton Review's 2009 survey of 122,000 students.
1. Penn State University, State College, Pa.
2. University of Florida, Gainesville, Fla.
3. University of Mississippi, Oxford, Miss.
4. University of Georgia, Athens, Ga.
5. Ohio University, Athens, Ohio
6. West Virginia University, Morgantown, W.Va.
7. University of Texas, Austin, Texas
8. University of Wisconsin, Madison, Wis.
9. Florida State University, Tallahassee, Fla.
10. University of California-Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, Calif.
11. University of Colorado, Boulder, Colo.
12. University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa
13. Union College, Schenectady, N.Y.
14. Indiana University, Bloomington, Ind.
15. DePauw University, Greencastle, Ind.
16. University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Tenn.
17. Sewanee: The University of the South, Sewanee, Tenn.
18. University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, N.D.
19. Tulane University, New Orleans, La.
20. Arizona State University, Tempe, Ariz

Playboy's Top 10 Party Schools 2009
1. University of Miami
2. University of Texas at Austin
3. San Diego State University
4. University of Florida
5. University of Arizona
6. University of Wisconsin-Madison
7. University of Georgia
8. Louisiana State University
9. University of Iowa
10. West Virginia University

Okun's Law - Wax On / Wax Off

2009-07-27T10:37:00.004-05:00

Sly, that’s funny that you mention that WSJ article. I remember thinking it was fantastic as well. After reading it, I hypothesized that maybe Okun’s Law no longer applies to our economy going forward and that 10% unemployment may be something we see for many years to come. Okun’s Law, for all of us who don’t have a business degree, is a rule-of-thumb that says that every two-percentage-point drop in the economic-growth rate corresponds with a one-percentage-point rise in the unemployment rate. However, during this recession, the unemployment rate has far outpaced the drop in our gross domestic product. I believe this is because Okun’s Law is based on historical trends, but today, the increased cost of labor and advancement in technologies are game-changers.

For the majority of companies in the United States, it does not make sense to manufacture much of anything here at home when workers who are ten times more productive and work for ten times less are readily available elsewhere in the world. This has led to a severe drop in manufacturing jobs that will continue to increase and more than likely never return. Furthermore, during this recession, many Fortune 500 companies have seen productivity and profitability rise despite cutting an increasing amount of jobs. This is not hard to explain. People tend to work much harder and without complaint when the alternative may be unemployment. Companies will expect this to continue once the recession is over and will being asking questions if they are not getting the same productivity. This will lead to pre-recession profits without pre-recession employee levels. During the Great Depression, the cost breakdown of construction projects was 95% labor and 5% equipment. Today, thanks to advances in technology, this ratio is closer to 50/50. A job that took 1,000 men to complete in a year in 1939 can now be completed by 100, or even less. Again, these are jobs that will never be coming back. Hopefully, these job losses can be counteracted by increases in health care and alternative energy, otherwise, we should start getting used to 10% unemployment.

Inside Jokes

2009-07-26T23:52:00.001-05:00

Enjoy...

Oh, hello

2009-07-20T19:08:00.025-05:00

It's been a while since I last left you, hasn't it? Hmmm, what's been going on with me? Where have I been? Well, I have been on Facebook, that's where I've been. That, and youjizz.com. Really, Sly, really? Yeah, Facebook and porn, that's all the internet really has to offer. Nah, I've just had nothing worthwhile to write about that the 9 people who read this would think was even remotely interesting, and I still don't. And yes, that is an exact number...only 9 human beings read this blog. I know all of them. If you read this and don't actually know any of the 5 dumbfucks that contribute here, please say hello in the comments section. That would be neato.

So how have you all been? Rex, judging by your post below, it looks like you got a sweet new ride. I absolutely love it. And I know Mr. M is doing well and is in tip-top shape because he is talking sports and poking fun of our President's stone washed Jordache jeans. I agree, those were gross. I wish you would have posted video. Topper, I'm truly sorry about missing your birthday party. And Steely, congrats on you and your wife having working reproductive organs. Great success!

My last weekend scared me a little. I don't remember getting home. Either night. That's not good, man. Let's just say that Sunday was not a funday. Death, I was convinced, was imminent. I don't really want to talk any more about it because you are all judging me and I don't appreciate it. The point was, on Saturday afternoon when I was out, I typed a list of things that I wanted to blog about on my iPhone as the ideas came streaming in, and as you all know, drunk ideas are the absolute BEST! Well, I am looking at this list right now. Wow Sly, maybe the next time you are making a list, make a list specific enough where you can actually remember what the fuck it was you wanted to remember.

The list:

1. Ipa.

Ok, I think I meant IPA. As in: India Pale Ale. I was bellied up with three friends and this hipster bartender (who was wearing a tuxedo vest) kept suggesting the Harpoon IPA to everyone else in the bar and then making fun, I think, of what we were ordering. First of all, IPAs are so overrated it's stupid. There is no second of all. Done. Next.

You know what? Fuck this list. There was some OK stuff on it but nothing to rant about in any detail more than just a mere "tweet." And you all know how I feel about that. A few of the other 25 completely random things on the list were, in no particular order, "Jacko," "farting on bus," and "wine." I'm not sure if those could be any more vague, especially for someone who was half blacked out when they wrote them and then tried to revisit the list 4 days later. What the fuck was I going to write about Jacko 4 weeks after his death that hasn't already been touched? Did I have some inside information about the true whereabouts of his body? Was he still alive and gallivanting around Omaha, Nebraska? No. And...wine? What? Wine? All I can think of is that wine gets you crazy weird drunk and I once went to the coolest wine bar of all time in Miami, end of story. I do remember the farting on the bus, though. Some old black lady sitting next to me on the bus on the way back to Lakeview on Saturday blatantly farted and it was quite possibly the worst smelling thing EVER. I almost barfed. That's all. Done. Next.

Anyhoo. If you want to delve into my stream of consciousness list making skills and want to read the rest of the list, I will try to show it to you through my shattered iPhone screen. Why is it shattered? Because I spiked it on the ground. Read one of my previous posts to completely understand the frustration. It finally came to a boiling point last weekend.

Ok, enough about that. So the job market is pretty sweet, huh? I just read this article in the WSJ tonight. Probably one of the better and more straight forward articles I have read in a while that even retards could understand, although they do mention Okun's Law for all you economics nerds. Anyway, ohhhh SNAP! I am trying to post the link off the internet but apparently it's for subscribers only, but yet I read the whole thing on my iPhone earlier tonight and I don't subscribe. You just get the WSJ app and you can read everything for free apparently. Ok, iPhone, you win this one...and I guess you will win again tomorrow bigtime since I am going to buy yet another one of you. Gahhhh. Anyway, if any of you are subscribers, click here for the link.

Let's see, what else. Oh yeah, I went on a Sunday evening stroll through my neighborhood about a week and a half ago and found myself at a bar that Topper and I used to go to together. I got there around 7pm and ordered some food and a screwdriver and that was seriously going to be it. Well, the bartender (who is kind of a big deal to a certain segment of people) asked me if I was going to stick around and then said that I was going to want to. "Why, B?" I ask. "I gotta work tomorrow morning." "Well," he said kind of secretly, "some friends of mine are coming in by the name of Billy Joe, Tre, and Mike." Ummmm, yeah well, that's Green Day, I get it. Ok sure, I will stick around. Later I found out that they were coming in with Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio and I for sure stayed. Well, 1am rolls around and apparently they were out doing pills and snorting cocaine off of tranny hookers weiners or something because they hadn't shown up yet so I just tabbed out and left. Knowing my luck and perfect timing with everything, they probably showed up 10 minutes later. I haven't been back to find out. See, my stories SUCK. But I did have 3 screwdrivers, an entire pizza, 5 beers, and a shot of tequila, and he charged me 17 bucks. Which, for all you rednecks who get these kinds of prices normally, is amazing for Chicago (it probably should have been like 60 bucks, at least). That brings me to a side note...how do you tip that? You don't just tip 20% of a severely discounted bar tab, right? Do you tip a buck a drink plus 20% of the food like you normally would, even if it isn't charged on the bill? Or do you tip like 50-60% to thank your bartender for being cool and giving you free shit while at the same time coming out considerably ahead of what you should have payed? That's what I did. Whatever. I got to hear the new rough mix of the bartender's bands EP that they just recorded and the rest of the tunes throughout the night rocked per usual, so that's always cool. What wasn't cool was my Monday morning.

A few final comments. I need to play more golf. Kings of Leon, like IPAs, are way overrated, sorry people. What isn't overrated is the new Cobra Skulls album. What do you think of it Topper? We need a review. My landlord is selling my unit so I am living month to month I guess while strangers trounce around in my personal space from time to time looking at it. That sucks. I want to go back to Vegas ASAP. I also want to go back to Toronto. Speaking of...I have recently been exposed to a number of top 40, r&b, pop jams, I don't know what you call it. I am a total square, I guess. It's kind of all in the same construct as "rough around the edges male rapper meets sweet black female vocalist" similar to the way Ja Rule piggybacked on all the beatches he "collaborated" with, because lets face it, he was complete garbage. Well now, they have this thing called auto-tune, which is a sound that I always thought was done with a vocoder or a talk-box. Is it the same thing? I don't know, man. So yeah, anyway, any asshole can sing now. Whatev. Some of the songs are pretty rad. But, again, the point is, I was the designated driver two weekends ago (that is shocking, I know). I had some people in my car and I didn't know what music to play, so I put on B96. We tuned in during their "Top 10 Songs in Chicago" program. We were cruising up Broadway, windows down, the girls were drinking Busch Light in the backseat (classy), and all the songs that they played I had recently heard before...until this one. I wasn't sure if this song was even for real but, yeah, it is. And I kind of love it. They are from Chicago apparently. All you cool people "in the know" are already completely over this song, I am sure, but I will leave you with this. Godspeed.

New Car Smell

2009-07-20T14:35:00.003-05:00

I just bought a used Yukon two weeks ago. I’ve made a few after market upgrades to it since then. I put in a CD player, a VCR/DVD combo player, I took off the governor, I also added a sun roof, spherical sun roof actually, and finally I replaced the back seats with my anti-theft device. I shot some video of me and my brother toolin around town, take a look…

Obama-rama?

2009-07-17T10:18:00.003-05:00

After Tuesday's exhibition I now see why the prez prefers basketball...he throws like Mrs. Mediocre...and wears the same style jeans...speaking of exhibitions, isn't it funny that home field advantage for the World Series was determined by an at-bat where an unknown on a last place team (Adam Jones, Orioles) hit a sacrifice fly off an also-ran reliever on another last place team (Heath Bell, Padres). Wow, that sure is a great rule. Thanks, Mr. Selig.

Its just Bizness

2009-07-06T14:38:00.003-05:00

The ad read:

DANCERS AVAILABLE

Girls available for
private parties, bachelor parties, or special events
Call 319-340-8575

It was a simple advertisement.. Its what we were looking for and it was in the first place we looked the classifieds of our local paper.
It was going to be thee best bachelor party of all time. The grooms best man was actually his brother who was 15 or 16 at the time Putting myself and Topper Harely in charge of the festivities. We had already secured a location, ordered a keg, and purchased the greatest sex toy gifts of all time. “the FIST” we also bought a couple of pornos on VHS. They were in a bin marked 2 for $10
they were gross. I wish I could remember what the exact titles were I think one was something like ‘Dirty 30’s” or ‘Dirty MILFS’ or it was definitely “Dirty…something”

The girls in the video weren’t Dirty I mean they WERE DIRTY but they went far beyond dirty. The producers of the porn were probably trying to be nice and Dirty was highest compliment they could use to describe these girls..
Spolier Alert
In one blowjob scene the girl actually barfed after deep throat’ing some stud (old dude)
You’d think that might be a something you’d leave on the editing room floor. Nope. Not when your rolling this shit in one take, making 10,000 copies and getting Attack of the Dirty Snatch 3 on the streets as fast as you can.
Now that all the minor details were outta the way it was time to make the call…

Bbbrrrrriiiingg
‘Hello’
‘Hello?’
'... (silence)'
I was interested in getting a dancer? For a bachelor party
Oh OoH, yeah uhm how many you want?
Well, how much for 2?
UUuuuuuhhhmmmmm two hundred and, and 75? Dollars, OH and plus any money you pay them while they’re dancing at the party.
Oh okay
How many people will be a the bachelor party
10 or 11
Perfect. And where are you at?
Iowa City
Ah okay well, can you meet me in Coralville
What?
To make your payment we need the 275 deposit before the start of the party. We can meet in Coralville at the Gas Station by the Mall.
Okay sure.
What times the party?
It starts at 9
Well lets meet there at 5 pm, hows that sound? I’ll be in a VW bug
Uhm sounds good
See ya then
‘click’

Now in my early years I liked to meet at a predisclosed location, pay cash, not see what I’m buying, and take it on good faith that alls well with my purchase.
So to ME this deal was a solid gold homerun! I’d be tonsils deep in some titties before midnight and responsible for the best bachelor party ever.
At 5 o clock This guy shows up in his VW Bug as promised Cracks his window and invites me into his VW.

I sit down. Looks me up and down. I was wearing jeans and Black Tee shirt.
‘Just a casual day huh, ha me too’
Okay.
Well okay I’ll take that deposit down for the girls, 350 bucks, and they’ll show up at 9pm with on bodyguard Preform for 2 hours and be out.
….it was 275 on the phone
What for 2? Two girls….really? Man I don’t know who you talked to…
I’m pretty sure I talk to You.
Maybe, I don’t normal answer the phone… well how much do you have?
Two, seventy-five. Like we said, in cash.
Aight bro, you seem alright I can do that.
Cool.

We exchange cash and I tell give him the address for the party he rights it down on the back of some envelope on the floor of his car and that’s it deals done. I assume he goes back to his Stripper Headquarters sounds the alarm and moblizes two of his best Dancers. In reality he called up his buddies and this one skank and they went to 3rd on 1st and got shitfaced on 275 dollars worth of threewisemen shots.
So the bachelor party happens.
No dancers show up. The groom falls asleep will some dirty bitch is ralphing on a ball sak. I get corned in the kitchen and put in a choke hold until I refund the money we pooled for the strippers with the extra money we pooled for the booze. I might of rounded up the total.
A few weeks later the ad quite running in the paper I assume he decided to just focus on his DJ’ing or retired with all his riches from falsely promised girl on girl action. To think of all the empty laps and wallets he left in his wake. He was a goddamn criminal mastermind…
So closing if anyone needs a BJ from a prostitute I can get you one just mail me 50 bucks and they’ll be there before midnight.

Black or White

2009-07-01T10:54:00.009-05:00

Last week, I could not help but think of the irony of the death of two completely different men in two completely different ways within almost 24 hours of one another. Both were admired nationally. Both had the ability to inspire others. Both of them touched many peoples’ lives, but they did so in remarkably different ways.

One coached football in a small town in Iowa; the other was a singer and dancer. One helped shape the lives of hundreds of young men; the other admitted he preferred sleeping with little boys, was indicted on child molestation charges, and paid out a $22 million settlement in a separate child abuse case. One prided himself on teaching young men how to become great men and great fathers; the other was known for his eccentric behavior, his pet chimpanzee, multiple marriages, and his nickname, “Wacko”. One helped his town rebuild after a devastating tornado; the other had undergone multiple nasal surgeries, a forehead lift, thinned lips, cheekbone surgery, and had been anorexic for almost three decades. One was a powerful role model for generations of kids; the other dangled his newborn son over the railing of a fourth-story hotel balcony in Berlin. One was gunned down by an admitted methamphetamine user with no apparent motive, the other died of cardiac arrest after almost thirty years of abusing prescription painkiller.

Which of these two men’s lives do you really think we should be celebrating?

Stem Cells

2009-06-10T13:47:00.005-05:00

This past Memorial Day weakend I went to a Rock show were I enjoyed listening to myself order whiskey ginger ales. Also some type of Chemistry Trio was there blowing the minds of my in friends in Despairadise and tweens. Also in attendance were several set of twins and an old friend ‘named’ Terry.

Terry is a Top Notch Asshole and all around prick and he knows it. But we’ve been friendz for while so I don’t even notice anymore. Terry showed up late to the show. And from what I could tell ordered two drinks and poured them directly onto his brain because I saw him once and then went back to showing a girl my battleship tattoo and before I could explain the significance of the torpedoes Terry was back and locking in a cobra clutch on the nearest coed.
Unfortunately he didn’t run into a girl who was into sweating or yelling. I also didn’t have any luck meeting a tween who would believe I was a helicopter pilot even with this I.D. on me

I guess airlifting a family of orphans off the roof of a burning Monastery on your last day in The Peace Corps just doesn’t impress the ladies like it used to.
I would of liked of gotten around to posting on despariadise a few weeks ago but after pounding whiskeys at the show I was hungover with GutRot for 3 in half days. Listen kids, get drunk now. You only have a solid 9 or ten years( 15 year olds im talking to you) of getting blasted where you recovery time isn’t half a week.
Wait, Hungover over 3 days after mammorial day? Which was like 9 days ago?
AH I conducted a scientific study on this medical phenomenon of the ever extending hangover. I thought perhaps if I stuck with a beerDrunk I could recover in the standard one day. Wrong.
My concern now is what happens in the future when I’m 40 and go to visit my ‘other family’ in Neveda and tie one on during the plane ride there? Will I have to take the entire month of September off? I hope not.
Now I axed a few people how they’re mammorial day weekend was and after they told me about the cookout and getting plowed I axed how they felt the next day and a few of them said ‘fine, I never get hungover.’’
‘Really? Never Fuckface?’
Well then your are either
A.) drinking pepsi mixed with mountain Dew NOT booze
B.) Wolverine
C.) A lying pusscake
D.) a Medical Anomaly and in the year 2017 your liver will be harvested for my personal use pending your organs compadabilty with my half machine half human infrastructure.

I personally think they are lying pusscakes. Because if you didn’t get hungover after drinking why the fuck are you not Drunk now? I would be. I’d be trying rangle up a 4 way on Tuesday afternoon in the middle of Funcity’s parking lot.

Why I Hate Jon & Kate (Plus 8)

2009-05-30T13:20:00.017-05:00

For those of us who have ever being in a loving relationship with a woman, you know that sometimes you have to watch vomit-inducing shows you would otherwise never watch in order to hang out with them sometimes. (This is also a great way to acquire "relationship capital" so you have some firepower when she bitches about you laying on the couch for 12 hours on a saturday watching college football.) Because of this, I have been subjected to numerous episodes of The Hills, What Not to Wear, America's Next Top Model, The Bachelor(ette), and many, many more. In the past year or so, I have also been forced to watch a show called Jon & Kate Plus 8. For those lucky enough to have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a reality show about Jon and Kate Gosselin, a Pennsylvania couple who used the magic of modern fertility treatments to have twins in 2000 and then sextuplets in 2004. Their salaries were not enough to cover the expenses of having eight kids, so when TLC approached them in 2007 about doing a reality show, they jumped at the chance. After Jon & Kate Plus 8 had moderate success in 2007 and 2008, the show's recent premiere of its fifth season drew nearly 10 million viewers. Most have atrributed this to the recent tabloid headlines accusing both parents of infidelity.

Now, I have never been someone who likes to tell people how to raise their children. Whatever lifestyle, religion, entertainment, or discipline you want to subject them to, it's your decision. However, the 'Plus 8' will be turning 9 and 5 this year. The older twins are hardly ever shown on TV anymore and do their very best to avoid the camera as much as possible. They are at an age where they can consciously make this decision for themselves. The sextuplets, however, are not. However, all of the children at one time or another have been shown crying out of frustration with their environment on the show. Child actors on movie and televsion shows are subject to child labor laws. However, since they are not really "acting", children in reality shows are not currently protected. So, as long as Jon & Kate are not feeding their children lines to read and recite regulary, they can be filmed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even worse, the children have become completely isolated as there is no one in their lives but their parents because Jon and Kate don't want other people getting paid for their show. Not quite the healthy enviroment people would want their kids to grow up in.

Jon and Kate have turned their children into commodities. Getting them free tummy tucks, hair plugs, vacations, clothes, groceries, and allowing them to buy one million dollar homes and sports cars. Kate has turned from a homely housewife into a Victoria Beckham-esque Hollywood starlet, without the good looks of course. When she's not traveling the globe promoting her books or giving speeches, she's at home, constantly criticizing everything Jon does, routinely in front of the children. In the past three years, she has managed to turn her husband from an easy-going, social twenty-something into a miserable thirty-something who despises his wife and generally hates his life. Of course, as of now there are no plans of canceling the show. I can't imagine it would be easy for Jon & Kate to let go of the $75,000 paycheck they get per episode or the free vacations or the $1.1 million Pennsylvania mansion. With a divorce seemingly inevitable, the show has already destroyed their marriage. It is only a matter of time before it destroys the relationship they have with their children.

Classy

2009-05-23T02:01:00.028-05:00

So, I was thinking recently about some of the funny shit that I have done in my life, or rather, things that I tried for the sake of a good story. This definitely goes in that last category. I used to do dumb shit (and sometimes still do) just to say that I did it or at least tried it or had seen it. ***We ALL do this, so don't judge.*** In this case, I am not talking about doing hard drugs or killing hobos or even tandem skydiving naked while simultaneously having anal sex with a sorority girl from an altitude of 27,500 feet. That shit just happens, man. You can't plan it. Well, I guess you can plan the skydiving thing. It's really intense and super hard to maintain an erection in a freefall where death seems imminent, by the way. You really have to try to keep it in her because the air resistance will make the lube dry up immediately and make your wang flop around like an out of control windsock. What you CAN plan, however, is a trip to the Happy Hour Health Spa in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

This place was an enigma for so many years but after an uneventful bachelor party in Iowa City where our team of strippers and their 'pimp' robbed us of hundreds of dollars and NEVER SHOWED UP! (Rex, that story is in your hands now and we still need an explanation because that was your brainchild) a few of us decided to drive drunk 20 miles north to my college town to get some handjobs/blowjobs at a real life massage parlor. By the way, this story is going nowhere, so stop reading.

Well, here we go. We parked and knocked on the door. This place looked just like a regular rundown white paintchipped house except it had a green and pink neon sign in the front. A tattooed black chick opened the door and greeted us. We never really saw inside. Me, the smooth talker that I was (not really) did the talking. I said a few things and then I noticed a sweet cursive tattoo on her neck that said 'Jason' or some shit and thought I would just strike up a convo. "Who's Jason? Your boyfriend? Husband?" I asked. "Uh Uhh, that's my SON!" She replied. And then refused our business. And that was it. Blackballed. 'Wow, Jason is a respectable son's name for someone of your profession. I was expecting something more like Jervonte' is what I was actually thinking. I'm glad I didn't actually tell her that. Whatever.

So we headed home defeated and played some pool at the house we were staying at while the other losers slept (or were we the losers?) The rest of the night we drank shots of 151, barfed a few times, lit shit on fire, and made fun of the lifesize latex fist dildo thing we bought the bachelor and then eventually proceeded to hit each other in the face with it. If you swing it like a baseball bat, it actually hurts worse than a real fist and it for sure proved to be capable of causing many bloody noses. We then washed the blood off of the fist, put it back in the package, and legitimately thought that our friend and his soon to be wife would actually want to insert this into anything. We were wide eyed, naive, young dumbfucks. Behold the fist!

HHHS story number 2.

Monday Night Club was something that the seniors at my college had because, you know, 6 nights of drinking just wasn't enough. So we had to add a Monday club. Jesus. Well, on a snowy Monday in February of 2004 I drank too many 4 dollar pitchers of Bud Light with my friends and headed back to my place. Luckily, my Chevy Blazer was parked right outside on the street. Hmmm. What to do? Well, naturally, I figured that heading on down to the Happy Hour Health Spa by myself was a brilliant idea. Alright, Sylvester, that sounds grreeeat. Fuck. Here we go again.

I put the old girl into 4 wheel drive and drove a few blocks to the mother ship. I knocked on the door. A ghost or something must have opened the door because the door opened and there was nobody there. I just stood there alone for at least 2 minutes, afraid to go in. Finally...BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! This is what I heard coming down the stairs to my left and apparently this wasn't enough warning to make me just run away. I just had to see this beast for myself, I guess. Well, the largest black woman I have ever seen in my life with a lace outfit emerged from the darkness. I literally laughed out loud, or LOL'd as the kids say nowadays. I couldn't look at her. Lets just describe the rest of the situation for now...straight ahead of me in a dark, dank room was some workout equipment that they must have picked up on the side of the street. It was like one of those really cheap all-in-one cable and pin machines that people buy out of the J.C. Penney Christmas catalog, put together incorrectly, and never ever use. Anyway, I stepped into the foyer. The floor was some really classy peeled up linoleum. I just got to the point. I asked what the prices were and she pointed to a sheet of notebook paper on the wall. It explained (in handwriting) the price per hour and all of the services. Use your imagination about the services and yeah, that's what it said. I then asked an honest to God question, "So, are there any other options for ladies?" "Nope, just me," she said. Hmmm. I pondered for about 12 seconds. Welp, peace out! I turned around and left. I told you this was going nowhere. I probably would have never forgiven myself for sticking around even if it was just a harmless 10 minute backrub or a few sets of cable flies in the 'gym'. See, Sylvester didn't follow through. He's not such a dirtbag after all.

i'm pretty sure i could play in the WNBA

2009-05-18T16:20:00.006-05:00

Tonight I will playing in a Blood Feud Grudge Match. The contest: 4 on 4 basketball. My opponent is ‘man who I work with.' He rents Sunnyside Jr High Gym on Monday nites where he balls against a few co-workers, 13 year olds, uncoordinated wiggers, and 47 year olds with two knee braces.
At work I was overheard talking (to myself) about the NBA playoffs. Eventually he told me about his open gym on Monday nights. A few Mondays ago I went with my brother from the same Mother and we played against the above competition.
Now, this last week at work this guy who had been dubbed 'Kracker Shaq' made a claim about how great his skills (mad handles, money jumper, dominating low post game) were and I was kind enough to point out to him that these skills did not exist.
So the stage is set for my blood brother, two 20 year old All State SCC ballers, and one Driveway Legend to take on Krackershaq and his cronies.
But Rex? You played with KShaq once, is he any good?
Well, he is as good as he looks.

Did you throw a trident?

2009-05-16T09:18:00.004-05:00

Iowa City, now located in eastern Illinois? Wowza

I'm Walking Into Spiderwebs

2009-05-12T17:17:00.003-05:00

During the course of my workday it is often necessary that I try and contact someone over the phone. On most occasions, I do not get an answer. Today I had multiple experiences, one that really grinds my gears and one that I found quite enjoyable. I will start with the enjoyable. Today I was unable to get a hold of an individual and when I got her voicemail this is what I heard:

"Hello, You have reached the phone of (insert any name here), Sorry that I was unavailable. I have been making some changes in my life and if you don't hear back from me, you are not one of those changes."

What a perfect way to get across her point that I may never hear from her. For my professional sake, I hope I made her change list.

Now to what really grinds my gears.......... Ringbacks, now I admit that in my past I had a ringback on a temporary basis. I quickly removed it once I made a call to someone else that had one, so I now deeply apologize to anyone that had to sit through mine while waiting for me not to answer because I love screening your calls and think that cellphones are impersonal as shit. Anyway, the reason, no scratch that , reasonS ringbacks really grind my gears is because you are either forced to listen to a song that you have never heard and immediately don't like; Listen to a song that you DO like that promptly stops at the best part because the SOB answers or their voicemail picks up; Listen to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" or "Don't Worry Be Happy" and then sing the tune all damn day long; OR the best for last is when the ring back is a Mozart or Beethoven and then the person answers the phone "Who Dis". WOW, did not see that coming you classical music aficionado. And that my friends, really grinds my gears.

Torture Memo

2009-05-11T22:51:00.006-05:00

It is 10:51 here in Chicago, Illinois on North Wood Street. I am pretty sure I just heard 2 gunshots. No joke. Whatever, it happens. Just as long as a stray doesn't come through my window and strike me in the neck or something, I guess I'm fine with it. That's not really what the point of this was. The point was--I just watched tonight's Daily Show on DVR and they were talking about the White House Correspondent's dinner last night and of course they showed...wait, another gunsot?...weird. Anyway, they showed Wanda Sykes and her painfully awful stand up routine or whatever you people want to call it. I literally plugged my ears. Her voice makes me cringe and her jokes just make me embarrassed for her. Everybody is in an uproar about what she said about Limbaugh. That is neither here nor there, that guy is an absolute piece of shit, fuck him, say whatever you want. The problem is that she is just simply NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL. AT ALL. She is like Carlos Mencia level unfunny. Also, why does she have to show up and ruin episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm? I wish they would have just put Colbert up there again and just let him go nuts. The politicos love that dude. Bottom line, he can at least deliver a joke. Anyway, waterboarding is torture, sure, but I'm pretty sure if you played Wanda Sykes' voice loud enough and for long enough over Gitmo's loudspeakers, you could get anyone to break. No physical pain necessary.

The Tuck Rule

2009-05-11T18:21:00.007-05:00

Welcome me! I would like to thank the insiders at Desparadise for inviting me to contribute to this top notch blog. I consider myself an expert at nothing but have opinions about much and hope to use Desparadise as an outlet for such opinions. I strive to not disappoint but out rightly will admit that I am currently popping my blog cherry. And it begins, please don’t hurt.

A very intelligent man known as Peter Griffin once had the opportunity to tell any viewing Americans “You know what really grinds my gears?” I will now attempt to follow in the same footsteps by occasionally letting you know what really grinds Steely’s gears.

The tuck rule: no I am not going to get into NFL rules and regulations, nor am I going to talk about the classic prank where a guy tucks his junk between his legs exposing what appears to be a bushy vagine. No, the tuck rule I am referring to is a fashion issue. As stated earlier, I am not an expert at anything, fashion included. Though I am no expert, I am not completely blind to the fact that there are a lot of people that have no reason to step out of their house wearing what they have on. I want to lead this fashion faux pas by saying that it’s not always a body’s shape or size that lead to problems, but in the “tuck rule” it is.

So, you know what really grinds my gears? It really grinds my gears when I see people who literally have to lift up any part of their stomach to zip up and/or button their pants and yet still insist on tucking in their T-shirt. I say T-shirt because I know that sometimes there is no way around it when putting on a dress shirt for a dress up occasion. T-shirts, on the other hand, are never dressy so there is no serious need for them to be tucked in. This is why I cannot stand it when I can literally see the mass of you stomach being held-up by your T-shirt. It is hard for me to describe exactly what I mean, so I knew I needed a picture. Trust me, it did not take long to find a classic example and take a spy shot with my camera. You will notice that not only is the shirt tucked in, but at some point one of the belt loops could no longer stand the pressure and completed became unattached. And that my friends, really grinds my gears.

Babes

2009-05-11T12:41:00.006-05:00

If there is one lady that I had to choose to be my wife on Desparadise this week it happens to be Anna Torv.

Last week it was Moon Bloodgood who stars in Terminator 4 as 'Human opposed to being Exploded by Robots.'

She uses her extreme level of hotness to get in close to the Terminatorz and just before she has to go all the way with one she flips their off switch. Or shoots them. I haven’t seen the movie yet..
Anyways back to this weeks wife she is this babe whos actually not as sexy as Moon Bloodgood (best name ever) or as classically beautiful as Tila Tequila (just kidding).
She does however star on my new favorite show FRINGE where she solves mysteries and/or captures someone who's turned into a monster.

In real life her interests include archery, barbecuing, and fucking on the first date, I assume.
Unfortunately for her if we ever did meet and she wanted to marry me (which she would), due to the copious amount of Dogg Pound Gangster Rap I ingested as a youth, its rendered me completely incapable of marriage/loving a ho.

Long Ass Balls

2009-05-09T21:12:00.005-05:00

The only movie of the summer that will not be featuring robots.

Employee of the Month

2009-05-05T23:08:00.004-05:00

When you hire Rex Gatling to work for you, there is one thing you can count on and that’s a dependable, hard working, enthusiastic employee…for the first 2 weeks at the most. Then after the in's and out's of the job are learned, a small part of me dies inside. That part is medically known as the 'giveafuck'. It's located directly between the ballz(Gonads).
Once this is gone the limits of one's lunches and breaks rapidly expands along with the amount of productive work accomplished and finally all respectable behavior goes out the window.
Now, having just this weekend received yet another ‘write-up’ or ‘coach’ as they’re known in the lifting industry I thought it’d be a good time as any to begin the countdown to 'New Job Hunt 09' with a list of my current ‘coaches’ starting with the most recent.

Coach Reason: Productivity

The average amount expected product loaded in a day is 2000 cases bringing the weekend average to 6000. My grand total cases pulled for the weekend was a staggering 1650.

Coach Reason: Profanity

There is really only one supervisor in the whole warehouse who is uptight enough to give coaches for swearing and he only does so after you’ve been warned, so after my 2nd warning, after a co-worker pulls out of an aisle and almost runs into me I axe him a perfectly honest question, “What are you, a Fucking Retard?’’
The supervisor just happened to be in earshot of my question, 30 yards away... I tend to yell a lot of my questions there.
The two phrases that earned me ‘fair warning on my cursing’ were ‘Fuck my Cock’ aloud after looking at the clock and realizing it was indeed 2 hours until lunch and not the 35 minutes I had tricked myself into thinking it was.
The 2nd I actually said to this supervisor when the computer on my forklift wasn’t working he axed me "what's the problem?" and I told him "The problem is this fucking computer is a piece a fucking shit.’’
I now know that he is a youth counselor Mondays and Weds at his church.

Coach Reason: Abuse of company Time/ Production

At work there is an area that requires us to wear a headset attached to a little computer thing. It tells us the location where to go and when we get there we say how many cases we picked up and It tells us where to go next.
In order for this to work we have to program our voice template by saying a whole bunch of specific phrases and numbers. This takes about 45 minutes to complete. One day I decided to reprogram my voice template and say all the numbers and phrases in a robot voice. Later that day my supervisor needs to me to help him audit a trailer full of TVs. He was not pleased with my choice.
‘We’re not Robots Rex.”
“I know’
“We’re people, we decided to come to work, it’s a choice.’
‘Got it’
‘We’re not robots Rex’’

Eh?

2009-04-26T00:57:00.003-05:00

Coming soon: My less intense analysis of America's Hat. Spoiler alert: It's great.